where his behaviour continued, what it had ever been while he served in the army as a serjeant, orderly. Terry was, in short, as quiet a lad as ever ate "salt with 'tatoes," and a Protestant to boot. This, in this land of religious discord, was a source of dislike to his neighbours who held a different creed, and some of them manifested their feelings by attributing to him every outrage committed in the neighbourhood; and at length the custom obtained to such a degree, that all the rockite notices were signed with the names baptismal and patronymic, in which poor Terry had so long rejoiced. The consequence of this conduct was the expatriation of the poor pensioner, who forthwith took up his residence in Dublin,

"SUCH A BEAUTY I DID GROW."

A diverting instance of the gravity of science, in its affection for objects that in all other eyes than its own are considered hideous, occurs among the curiosities in the museum of a celebrated dentist in George Street, Hanover Square, where a horrid and disgusting reptile in a bottle is called on the label "a beautiful banded larva!" Is it not strange how some things will creep into favour? We have heard, indeed, and can partly understand, such descriptions as an insinuating earwig, and a fascinating rattlesnake; but were hardly prepared for the abovenamed specimen of taste. Let us, however, call on the ladies, henceforward, to reconcile themselves with all speed to the amiable toads, captivating caterpillars, &c. which they have hitherto committed the mistake of shrinking

from.

LOVE.

Love does not arise between souls which are in unison, but between those which harmonise.-Schiller.

MORE CHOLERA.

We regret much to learn that the Cholera is reported to be in Dublin, and we hope it will prove to be but the blunder of alarm, substituting one disorder for another, as has been so often the case. This is very likely to prove the fact, if we may judge from the mode of communicating the intelligence which is used by the correspondent of one of the leading daily papers. It runs as follows :-"This morning the third death was announced of a poor woman, whose body is now of a deep blue."—The principle of paying a triple debt to nature, appears really somewhat exorbitant; and the poor creature from whom such a tax was exacted might very well be expected to look blue!

MISERIES OF UNPOPULARITY.

The Duke of Wellington has not yet removed from some of his windows at Apsley House, the barricades so long stationary there. This circumstance reminds us of an epigram which a friend of ours penned, during the last political campaign.

On the Window Blockade System.

How harsh their fate who still Reform refuse!

What strange new costs by them must be afforded!
Their panes they lose, or else their purse-strings loose
For windows which, like servants, must be boarded!

LITERARY NOVELTIES.

A poem from the pen of Allan Cunningham is among the forthcoming literary novelties. "The Maid of Elvar" is the name, and the time is the early part of the reign of Queen Mary.

The celebrated American novelist, Cooper, will soon produce a new work of fiction.

"Illustrations of Modern Sculpture," with engravings after drawings from eminent Sculptors, and Prose Descriptions and Poetical Illustrations. By T. K. Hervey, Esq.

A new historical tale, called "Henry Masterton, or the Young Cavalier," by the Author of Richelieu, Darnley, &c., will soon appear.

"Life and Pontificate of Gregory the Seventh. Roger Gresley, Bart. F.A.S.

By Sir

Mr. Colley Grattan has just completed a series of tales, called "Legends of the Rhine and the Low Countries."

"

Mr. Babbage is preparing for the press a work on the "Economy of Machinery and the Manufactures," the results of his observations in the various mechanical processes used in the arts, &c.

NOTICES TO CORRESPONDENTS.

"Izzard" intends, we suppose, to quiz hard; but, being no conjuror or wizard, makes a failure.

"O" should be consecutive, and mind his P's and Q's. A little of rational sequence would give more consequence to his attempts.

We cannot give insertion to the verses of "Tickler." Our flights of eccentricity must never carry us out of the range of decency.

To the application of A. B. C., we must be, as the man in the farce has it, D. E. F. We really cannot listen to it.

London: Published every Saturday Morning, for the Proprietors, by G. Cowie, 312, Strand, where Advertisements are received, and all Communications for the Editor (post paid) are to be addressed.

Cowie, Printer, Belle Sauvage Yard, Ludgate Hill.

I SHALI not trouble you with any thing in the way of confession, for I am conscious of no very great sin to confess. I have never been addicted to the vice cf either opium or roast pig. My brain is alike free from the delirious impressions of the one, and the gross imaginings of the other. My outset in life was under circumstances that taught me the necessity of checking, not stimulating, the irregular promptings of the imagination, and of subduing the solicitations of inordinate appetite. But I take no merit to myself for having escaped unscathed in either of these regards. Alas! if I am to place credence in that dogma of certain theologians, which teaches that punishment follows sin, even in this world, I must believe myself a great culprit: and certain it is, that whatever species of condemnation may in the next world be awarded for my sins, I find myself condemned to live in hot water in this.

I will not trouble you, Sir, with the account of my parentage, nor of my early training-suffice it to say, that both were respectable-and that the spring of my life was passed in the society of the intelligent and refined. My husband (for I married young,) died, and left me with a large family and a slender provision.

And here, Sir, I cannot resist noticing the malignity of the world-at least as it regarded myself, on the decease of my husband. My kind friends called at the "house of mourning," not to sympathize with the afflicted, but to scatter hints on extravagance, improvidence, and pride-in short, to anticipate the apprehended claims of pecuniary assistance, or the less costly aid of countenance and encouragement. But my spirit, though wounded, sank not. I was roused to exertion-my family demanded it-and, for a time the unkindness of friends was forgotten in the proud consciousness of discharging an important duty.

Price 3d.

The house we lived in was large and commodious, every way suited to the reception of inmates. I there fore made. up my mind to convert it to the purpose of a Boarding House.

Think not I came to this resolution without some violent workings of pride-I felt how much I was sinking in the world-I anticipated the growing coldness of former ac-. quaintance-I entertained indefinite apprehensions of the affected condescension, insulting patronage, and polite slurs to which the keeper of a boarding house is subjectbut what could I do? I was unequal to the composition of a popular novel, and averse from the drudgery of initiating the young in the elements of music. In short, it seemed the only plan to which I could have recourse in my forlorn circumstances.

I knew that it would be hopeless to expect assistance in the way of recommendation from any of my friends. I therefore resolved upon having recourse to that refuge for the unknown, a newspaper. My advertisement appeared in the Times and the Post. I was told that the one was an oracle of lawyers and merchants, and the other the indispensable attendant at the breakfast-table of the fashionable and the idle. It was immaterial to me from which class I filled my house,-a mixture, in my simplicity, would, I thought, give to the society a more agreeable variety.

I waited a whole day in my house the result of my notice; nor did I wait in vain,-it was in the spring of the year, and the town was very full.

A lady was the first who presented herself. She appeared verging upon seventy, rouged to excess, and dressed with all the minute observance of fashion in its excess; which offered a painful contrast to the hollow cheek and curving frame of my (I hoped) future inmate. Her manners were polite, and even elegant. She was evidently accustomed to society of a superior order; and, as I found afterwards, was the maiden sister of a baronet, and possessed a moderate fortune. Her first question related to the members of my society. Alas! as yet I had none; but I felt what would have been the consequence of making

the avowal, and forbore an instant to announce the unwelcome fact. She inquired were the gentlemen young, attentive, and above all-fond of cards-flattery. She had once been handsome,-flattery, I read, was indispensable to her waning existence-flattery to age and decrepitude; next to that-cards. Of course she declined becoming my first inmate.

The next presentation was a young man about five-andtwenty, the very beau ideal of a dandy; his whole costume, to the tie of his cravat, was most fastidiously symmetrical, while his ambling gait and mincing utterance seemed carefully assumed to give unity and consistency to his outward aspect. His introductory observations were framed with a view to give me a high notion of his importance. He spoke of Sir John A- the Honourable Mr. B- Lady C, till I apprehended I should have had to listen to a whole alphabet of impertinences: but he stopped suddenly with the question, "Pray Madam, how do you amuse your party on the wet mornings?" As I had made no provision for a contingency of this kind, I could only éjaculate an interrogativeSir?'

"The truth is, Madam," he continued, "when the weather is fine, one has no difficulty in killing the time till dinner. Besides an occasional call at one's friends, one may look in at Tattersall's, saunter an hour at the Exhibition-3wallow an ice at Grange's-assist one's female acquaintance in the choice of a dress-or scan plebeian beauty at the bazaars ;—but in wet weather, with nothing to amuse me-curse me if I don't feel asleep!"

As I had neither means nor disposition to contend with vicious idleness, or to rouse senseless apathy, it will readily be perceived that this proved a second disappointment.

I shall not trouble you with particularizing the various applicants that offered themselves before the lapse of a week; nor detail the unreasonable demands, impertinent interrogatories, or haughty demeanor of many of those who came to make inquiries respecting my accommodations and my terms (for to all these was I exposed); nor shall I dwell on the sordid meanness of others, who, with ample resources, would gladly have paid me half the sum they were conscious it would have required to maintain them. Nay, I have since known some, who, when the silly and miscalculating people who boarded them had come to ruin, have not blushed to exclaim, "We paid them their demand, and if that didn't pay their expenses, what is it to us ?"

These were discouraging beginnings; however, I at length succeeded in filling my house. For a time all seemed to be going on well, and I experienced something like a feeling of triumph-but, alas! I soon found myself wofully disappointed.

My party consisted of a widow, a doctor and his wife, an Irish gentleman, who had formerly been in the Austrian service, his wife, son, and daughter, and a young gentleman studying the law. All, except the last, had been more or less accustomed to live in boarding houses, either from a morbid restlessness of disposition which disqualified them from the enjoyment of tranquil and retired society, or from the palsied apathy of a mind destitute of all rational or stirring ideas-and, perhaps, I may add, to these causes, an intense love of scandal which finds a more ample field of exercise in this caravanserai mode of living. And here I cannot forbear observing, that this miserable propensity, which commences among the ladies, seldom fails in the long run to infect the habits of the gentlemen; so that I am convinced its palpable manifestation in a man may be received as one of the surest tests of his being a

genuine boarding-house lounger. The progress, too, is obvious, he begins with being a listener to a tale of detraction; he finds it generally relished; he attempts, by the same means, to faire l'amiable" with his fair associates. He succeeds, and he is gone, past hope.

My widow, I soon discovered, was thoroughly practised in all the intrigues and cabal of boarding-house society. Her delight was to move in troubled waters-and where all had been peaceable before her coming, her baneful presence, like an incarnation of discord, was certain to rouse a storm of evil passions. Personal vanity, pride of birth, desire of deference on the score of superior accomplishments, or of correct judgment-none of these seemed to actuate her. An abstract love of mischief was the main spring of all her movements, which urged her to give a vicious impulse to all the foibles her keen view detected in the character of others. These foibles she had the ingenious tact, without appearing to intend it, of bringing into violent collision.

I soon perceived a growing coolness between the captain and the doctor. The former, it is true, was rather too much given to "fight his battles o'er again," and perhaps to place his own heroism in a sufficiently conspicuous point of view. However, his manners were polite, and even amiable. The doctor, on the other hand, was extremely taciturn, and bordering on the morose. Still he was disposed to be friendly with the captain, and would even listen with some attention to his descriptions of battles amongst Turks, Croats, Hungarians, &c., either pleased with their novelty, or moved by a love of the marvellous. In short, there appeared considerable harmony between them. This state of things was utterly at variance with the objects of the widow, and she very soon set about disturbing it. In the presence of the captain, she would often take occasion to speak in applauding terms of the Irishtheir amusing qualities, their generosity, and especially their refined attention towards her sex. This was the ordinary prelude to some biting remarks on clownish behaviour, boorish silence, and selfish abstraction, which pointed too clearly at the doctor. These sentiments, often renewed with a variety of invidious adjuncts, at length operated a change in the general behaviour towards him. The ladies (except his wife) readily subscribed to their truth; and the captain, for whom they were specially intended, fell completely into the snare, and manifested his dislike to his former friend by removing himself as far from his post at the table as possible. Nor was the widow idle in scattering the seeds of enmity over the mind of the docsilly gossip," "impertinent familiarity, Irish vaunting," were expressions she suffered to escape her in his presence, aided by the effective accompaniment of sneer and shrug. The doctor was not easily to be worked upon; but at length the widow was victorious. The doctor felt the principle of repulsion beginning to work, which was fully developed by the cold and haughty behaviour of the captain himself.

tor:

Here was a grand work achieved. The elements of party were now established; the whole of the little circle were immediately, in fact, though not in name, distinguished into Doctorites and Captainites.

But this was not sufficient to promise much duration; it was necessary to promote the general ferment by a strong leaven of female antipathy. Accordingly the busy spirit of the widow quickly availed itself of the general attention paid by the young jurisconsult to the two young ladies, in order to produce a little episode of jealous feeling, which might aid the ulterior advancement of the main plot.

The captain's daughter, though of a physiognomy distinguished by the absence of distinct expression, and of a person somewhat thick and burly, had yet the mania to rate herself of the first order of beauty, and to claim due incense and homage accordingly. The other was perfectly unaffected and lively, and by her manner more than by her personal merits, which were also considerable, irresistibly won the regard of all that enjoyed her society. Here were excellent materials for the widow's purpose. She dexterously insinuated to the former, that the other had the presumption to attempt to rival her-nay, that her efforts had not been without success, as was evident from the different conduct of the young lawyer towards them both. This was enough. She had fired the train at the most effective point. She knew that the father and mother were always governed by their darling daughter, and would regard with aversion whoever was the object of her displeasure.

Here, then, was an exact numerical adjustment of the parties. They met only at meal-time, and were then drawn up, like the ranks of two opposing armies, in front of each other, separated only by the good things that covered the table between them, and that served but for a time to calm their hostile feelings. The widow appeared to range her auxiliary force on the side of the captain and his two female supporters, ready to commence the skirmish with the light artillery of her irony. The doctor and his wife, the lawyer and the other lady, formed the opposite phalanx, to the right of the head of the table.

Of course I became seriously alarmed at this evidence of a disposition to open hostility; I apprehended the crushing of all my hopes, and the destruction of my means of existence. The attempt was delicate, but, if skilfully followed up, might, I thought, prove successful-I employed the soothing system, and did succeed even beyond my expectations. I had some difficulty with the captain's daughter, but she was not altogether impracticable. But the widow-she was the most serious obstacle to my measures for establishing a general peace. However, she too yielded to my arguments; but I confess I had great doubts of her sincerity. I thought, as I quitted her apartment, I detected a- latent sneer on her countenance, from which I drew an evil omen. Quiet, however, secmed to have resumed her reign. The intercourse between the members of the Board, though not so cordial and unrestrained as before, was yet marked by a grave politeness, which, I fancied, augured greater durability.

Above a month now passed on without any material occurrence; but, about that time, I began myself to experience a more than usual distance of manner, more especially from the faction of the cote gauche. The other party, too, I fancied, were cooling in their wonted politeness towards me. Complaints began to multiply. The minor conveniences of the sleeping apartments were referred to as being inadequate : the fires were not sufficiently blazing; the servants were inattentive; bells were not answered; but, above all, exception was taken for the first time to the sort of table I kept-invidious references were made to the excellent fare of Mrs. Scrapewell, where some of the party had formerly boarded. It was in vain I attempted to give assurances of my unremitting attention to the general accommodation, of my anxiety to rectify accidental errors, and of the very careful arrangements that had been made for the liberal supply of the table, which was under my own special superintendence; my explanations were ill received,-in short, I had succeeded in suspending the unkindly sentiments I found at work amongst the members of my family, only to give

them a new direction, and that unfortunately, against myself. The widow had, indubitably, been the cause-and, satisfied with her success, she now gave me an intimation of her inteution to quit. This I considered a most happy circumstance; but, alas! it was followed next day by a similar notification from the captain and his family, which left me with only half my number, and that half in`no very good humour-with the same establishment to keep upand, as the season was very far advanced, with little hope of supplying the loss.

Such was my outset as superintendent of a boardinghouse-and similar has been the annoying and irritating sequel. The details have. of course, varied. However, petty cabals, mean jealousies, and misunderstandings about trifles, have been perpetually occurring for want of some wholesome pursuit to engage the mind, with now and then a reappearance of the spirit of my incendiary of a widow, in a different body, to raise the flames of party in our-(would I might say!) social edifice.

Such is the outline of the anxieties and miseries to which I have been exposed. Exceptions, of course, I have experienced-reasonable beings have sometimes formed part of my establishment, and purified the atmosphere of discontent around us. However, I can only consider

them as exceptions.

If you, Mr. Original, will oblige me by the insertion of this plain unvarnished statement, you will be not only doing me a favor, but, I am sure, rendering a service to a description of persons who lead a life of great anxiety and trouble, who rise early and retire late, and who are constantly exposed to mortification and annoyance-the unfortunate keepers of boarding-houses.

I have the pleasure to subscribe myself,
Sir,

Your very obedient servant,

LETITIA LETTSOM.

ORIGINAL RECIPE

FOR A FASHIONABLE FEMALE SINGER.

Take a pert and flippant Miss from boarding-school let loose,
And full of airs-for these full soon will come into full use:
Let her voice and her assurance both be treble and 'tis well
If her tongue can simulate a lisp the thing is sure to tell.
It harms not that her looks be bold-the better for bravuras;
Nor sigh nor leer must she withhold-the better to allure us.
An ample mouth is also good; the noise that such throws out
Best fills your ear-and then, your eye can see what she's
about.

Let her eyes a pair of rollers be, her arms a pair of flails,
Her gait and dress have flounce enough, her head be full of
tales.

Let her bosom be in colour pure, at least-and if, beneath,
She have but little heart to show-why, let her show her teeth.
As for her mind, no matter what her ignorance of matters,
Beyond the scrap-book of small-talk-the eloquence that
smatters.

Take of vanity sufficient puffs to fill a good balloon,
And well inflate her head, until it seem to reach the moon.

Envy's black drop is useful too, her latent soul to touch; Though poison, let her take a drachm-'tis not a drop too much!

To add a grasping handful then of avarice 'tis meet:
Without the ingredient, avarice, a syren's incomplete.
Then add caprice ad libitum, with drugs from Circe's bowl,
And throw some folly in, to give consistence to the whole.
Take a Signor, next, from Italy, to furnish her with science,
A chattering, flattering, smiling slave, with every due ap.
pliance

Of do re mi fa sol la si―the tricks that triumph give

The runs, the jumps, the slides, the falls-the quaint recitative.

Then let him balance well her notes, and weigh 'em by the scale,

And his own credit add, to make them currently avail.

No matter how he fill her head with crotchets, or how make
Her heart respond with tremors to the quavering of his shake;
For that is quite professional-—in short, ca va sans dire,
And if you can but finish her, what else remains to fear?
Show her, for English songs, the "native talent" at Vauxhall,
With the artificial simper, and the real convulsive squall.—
Let this prescription carefully be followed, and you'll find
A singing lady suited to th' " enlightened public" mind,
To sing "Di tanti palpiti" in Anglicised Italian,

Or in clipped English "Love's young dream" to drawl and dwell and dally on;

To rattle in a concert room, and fill a public place,
With noise that's so acceptable, and much approved grimace.

THE ABSENT MAN.

Some two or three years since, an Advertisement, accompanied by the customary douceur, was left by the distressed friends of "a gentleman gone astray," at the respective offices of the "Times" and " Morning Herald;" the worthy proprietors of which journals having inserted the cash in their breeches-pocket upon the one day, inserted the adver. tisement in their columns upon the next.

It was of that species, which, in the language applied to lost pocket-books, is described as being "of no use to any person but the owner," inasmuch as it was most particularly unparticular, and most indescribably undescriptive. It ran as follows:

"MISSING-J. S.-Should this meet the eve of the individual to whom it is addressed, he is earnestly requested to return home to his d sconsolate family, his absence having caused them the greatest anxiety. Any information upon the subject of the above-named J. S. will be thankfully received by his afflicted friends. The following is a description of his person:-He is between 20 and 30 years of age, of middling height, complexion between dark and fair, grey eyes, and brown hair; he has a peculiar look about the eyes, a somewhat particular walk, and talks rather fast than slow. Was last seen in the neighbourhood of the Strand, when he bad on a dark coat, light trowsers, white neck cloth, black hat, and Wellington boots. Address A. B." &c. &c.

Gentle Reader! upon the perusal of this heart-rending nnouncement, out of the superabundance of your sympathy ou would doubtless have condoled most heartily with the ffliction into which J. S.'s relatives advertised themselves as eing plunged; nay, more, like your humble servant, out

of your natural anxiety to do good, you would have endeavoured to impress upon your mind their description of the wanderer. But you would then have found, that had his friends intended to shield from discovery him whom they would fain have discovered, they could not have adopted more effective measures to accomplish that end.

Their description would answer just as well for every second man you met. It details every particular, and yet there is nothing particular: his hat is black, and his neckcloth white, and so are yours, mine, and those of every other reasonable man; you have the colour of every thing but his boots, and they are- -Wellingtons. But then he has a peculiar ook about the eyes, and a particular something about his walk; but what these important somethings are, you are not told, as if for fear you should find out the gentleman who answers to the extraordinary initials J. S.

Your attempts at discovering some remarkable point in his dress, character, or appearance having failed, you are about to decide that the world might well spare such an every-day sort of personage, when your good feelings are once more aroused by the manner in which the daily papers record the application made by his friends to Bow-street, for the assistance of the police in the discovery of the stray worthy. It is of course headed " Mysterious Circumstance," plentifully interlarded with notes of admiration, capitals, italics, and all the charlatanery of the printing-office-and details some few additional particulars of his history, and many of his virtues ; from all which we gather that he was a clerk in a highly respectable mercantile house, of unimpeachable character, and was grievously suspected of having been Burked-or, as we may term it, Colonel Jonesed against his will.

Commiserating paragraphs now went the round of the daily press, and the memory of poor J. S., whom some of the Sunday papers had at a venture construed into Julian Sackville, was enshrined in a dreamy, unidentified form, in the memory of all who read them. Nothing, however, was heard of the unfortunate youth-week after week passed away, and with them all public interest in his existence; the few who recollected the " Mysterious Circumstance having settled that he had been Burked in some obscure court in the neighbourhood of the Strand, and his body conveyed in some strange guise to St. Thomas's.

"

His death was, in short, the best thing that could have happened to him; his youth, comeliness, talents, probity, all received new lustre from his untimely fate; the young, amiable, and accomplished J. S. was the theme of every tongue, when, lo! exactly ten weeks from the appearance of the first advertisement, another was presented to the public, alike, but, oh! how different!"-and the sympathetic waxed wroth when they read, "ONE Hundred Pounds Reward— ABSCONDED, JOHN SMITH," and found in the harsh terms of truth, and Messrs. Sharpsight and Nixem, that the peculiarity of vision was a decided squint; that his rather particular walk arose from his being club-footed; that he was last seen in the neighbourhood of the Strand, certainly, for such is "the Finish ;" and that his absence was easily, if not satisfactorily accounted for, by the absence of some few hundreds from the possession of his worthy employers.

Oh that fatal word "Absconded!" No sooner was it ushered forth to the world, and no sooner was the mysterious and therefore handsome J. S., an interesting victim to the love of science, converted into the plain and therefore infernally ugly John Smith, an un interesting victim to a love of money, than the Gentlemen of the Broad-sheet set up a chorus of" Nous avons changé tout cela,' and a Sunday paper, which had formerly announced him as a lost Adonis, now fainted him as a compound of Caliban and Jack Shepherd.