TEN THOUSAND A-YEAR. BOOK THE FIFTH. CHAPTER I. MESSRS YAHOO AND FITZ-SNOOKS V. TITMOUSE; AND GAMMON V. THEM ALL. We must now return to Yatton, where | Titmouse, and Fitz-Snooks would pass matters had occurred, not unworthy a great deal of their time. Then they of being recorded. Though Mr Yahoo would have tables and chairs, with paid anxious court to Mr Gammon, cards, cigars, and brandy-and-water, who was far too much for him in placed upon the beautiful "soft, every way, 'twas plain that he dreaded smooth-shaven lawn," and sit there and disliked, as much as he was de- playing ecarté, at once pleasantly spised by, that gentleman. Mr Gam- soothed and stimulated, for half a day mon had easily extracted from Tit- together. Then Yahoo got up fremouse evidence that Yahoo was en- quent excursions to Grilston, and even deavouring, from time to time, artfully to York; where, together with his to set him against his protector, the two companions, he had "great aforesaid Mr Gammon. This was sport," as the newspapers began to something; but more than this-Ya- intimate with growing frequency and hoo, a reckless, rollicking villain, was distinctness. Actuated by that exeobtaining a growing ascendancy over crable licentiousness with reference Titmouse, whom he was rapidly initi- to the female sex, by which he was ating into all kinds of vile habits and peculiarly distinguished, and of which practices; and, in short, completely he boasted, he had got into several corrupting him. But, above all, Gam- curious adventures with farmers' girls, mon ascertained that Yahoo had al- and others in the vicinity of Yatton, ready commenced, with great success, and even amongst the female memhis experiments upon the purse of bers of the establishment at the Hall; Titmouse. Before they had been a in which latter quarter Fitz-Snooks week at Yatton, down came a splen- and Titmouse began to imitate his did billiard-table with its appendages example. Mr Gammon had, for these from London, accompanied by a man to and other reasons, conceived a horrid fix it-as he did-in the library, which loathing and disgust for the miscreant he quickly denuded of all traces of its leader into these enormities; and, former character; and here Yahoo, but for certain consequences, would VOL. II. have despatched him with as much indifference as he would have laid arsenic in the way of a bold voracious rat, or killed a snake. As it was, he secretly caused the Yahoo to experience, on one or two occasions, the effects of his goodwill. Yahoo had offered certain atrocious indignities to the sweetheart of a strapping young farmer; whose furious complaints coming to Mr Gammon's ears, that gentleman, under a pledge of secresy, gave him two guineas to be on the look-out for Yahoo, and give him the best taste he could of a pair of huge Yorkshire fists. A day or two afterwards, the Satyr fell in with his unsuspected enemy. Yahoo was a strongly-built man, and an excellent bruiser; but was at first disposed to shirk the fight, on glancing at the prodigious proportions of Hazel, and the fury flaming in his eyes. The instant, however, that he saw the fighting attitude into which poor Ha. zel had thrown himself, Yahoo smiled, stript and set to. I am sorry to say that it was a good while before Hazel could get a blow at his accomplished opponent; whom, however, he at length began to wear out. Then he gave the Yahoo a miserable pommeling, to be sure; and finished by knocking out five of his front teeth, viz. three in the upper, and two in the under jaw beautifully white and regular they certainly had been; and the loss of them caused him inconceivable affliction on the score of his appearance, and also, not a little interfered with the process of cigar-smoking. It would, besides, have debarred him, had he been so disposed, from enlisting as a soldier, inasmuch as he could not bite off the end of his cartridge: wherefore, it would seem, that Hazel had committed the offence of Mayhem. Mr Gammon condoled heartily with Mr Yahoo, on hearing of the brutal attack which had been made upon him; and as the assault had not been committed in the presence of a witness,† strongly recommended him to bring an action of trespass vi et armis against Hazel, which Gammon undertook to conduct * See APPENDIX. + Ibid. to-a nonsuit. While they were conversing in this friendly way together, it suddenly occurred to Gammon that there was another service which he could render to Mr Yahoo, and with equally strict observance of the injunction, not to let his left hand know what his right hand did; for he loved the character of a secret benefactor. So he wrote a letter to Snap, whom he knew to have been once treated insolently by Yahoo, desiring him to go to two or three Jew bill-brokers and money-lenders, and ascertain whether they had any paper by them with the name of "Yahoo" upon it :-and in the event of such being discovered, he was to act in the manner pointed out by Gammon. Off went Snap like a shot, on receiving this letter; and the first gentleman he applied to, viz. a Mr SUCK'EM DRY, proved to be possessed of an acceptance of Yahoo's for £200, for which Dry had given only twenty-five pounds on speculation. He readily yielded to Snap's offer, to give him a shy at Mr Yahoo gratisand put the document into the hands of Snap; who forthwith delivered it, confidentially, to Swindle Shark, gent., one &c., a little Jew Attorney in Chancery Lane, into whose office (with a due understanding as to the division of profits) the dirtier work of Quirk, Gammon, and Snap was swept-in cases where they did not choose to appear. I wish the mutilated Yahoo could have seen the mouthful of glittering teeth that were displayed by the hungry Jew, on receiving the above commission. His duties, though of a painful, were of a brief and simple description. 'Twas a plain case of Indorsee v. Acceptor. The affidavit of debt was sworn the same afternoon; and within an hour's time afterwards, a thin slip of paper was delivered into the hands of the UnderSheriff of Yorkshire, commanding him to take the body of Pimp Yahoo, if he should be found in his bailiwick, and him safely keep-out of harm's wayto enable him to pay £200 debt to Suck'em Dry, and £24, 6s. 10d. costs to Swindle Shark. Down went this See APPENDIX. little "infernal machine" to York- | done! Oft is it, in this infernal world shire by that night's post. Nothing could exceed the astonishment and concern with which Mr Gammon, the evening but one afterwards, on returning to the Hall from a ride to Grilston, heard Titmouse and Fitz-Snooks-deserted beings!-tell how, an hour before, two big vulgar fellows, one of them with a slip of paper in his hand, had called at the Hall, asked for the innocent unsuspecting Yahoo, just as he had made an admirable coup-and insisted on his forthwith accompanying them to the house of one of the aforesaid bailiffs, and then on to York Castle. They had brought a tax-cart with them for his convenience; and into it, between his two new friends, was forced to get the astounded Yahoo-smoking, as well as he could, a cigar, with some score or two of which he had filled all his pockets, and swearing oaths enough to have lasted the whole neighbourhood for a fortnight at least. Mr Gammon was shocked at the indignity which had been perpetrated, and asked why the villains had not been kept till he could have been sent for. Then, leaving the melancholy Titmouse and Fitz-Snooks to themselves for a little while, he took a solitary walk in the elm avenue, where-grief has different modes of expressing itself-he relieved his excited feelings by reiterated little bursts of gentle laughter. As soon as the York True Blue had, amongst other intimations of fashionable movements, informed the public that " The Hon. Pimp Yahoo" had quitted Yatton Hall for York Castle, where he intended to remain and receive a large party of friends-it was gratifying to see how soon, and in what force, they be gan to muster and rally round him. "Detainers"-so that species of visiting cards is called-came fluttering in like snow; and in short there was no end of the messages of civility and congratulation which he received from those whom, in the season of his prosperity, he had obliged with his valuable countenance, and custom. Ah me, poor Yahoo, completely of ours, that the best concerted schemes are thus suddenly defeated by the envious and capricious fates! Thus were thy arms suddenly held back from behind, just as they were encircling as pretty, plump a pigeon as ever nestled in them with pert and playful confidence, to be plucked! Alas, alas! And didst thou behold the danger to which it was exposed, as it fluttered upward unconsciously into the region where thine affectionate eye detected the keen hawk in deadly poise? Ah me! Oh dear! What shall I do? What can I say? How vent my grief for the Prematurely Caged? Poor Titmouse was very dull for some little time after the sudden abduction of this bold and brilliant spirit, and spoke of bringing an action, at the suggestion of Fitz-Snooks, against the miscreant who had dared to set the law in motion at Yatton, under the very nose of its lord and master. As soon, however, as Gammon intimated to him that all those who had lent Yahoo money, might now rely upon that gentleman's honour, and whistle back their cash at their leisure, Titmouse burst into a great rage; telling Gammon that he, Titmouse, had only a day or two before lent Yahoo £150; and that he was a "cursed scamp," who had known, when he borrowed, that he could not repay; and a Detainer, at the suit of "Tittlebat Titmouse, Esq.," was one of the earliest that found its way into the Sheriff's office; this new creditor becoming one of the bitterest and most relentless against the fallen Yahoo, except, perhaps, Mr FitzSnooks. That gentleman having lent the amiable Yahoo no less a sum than thirteen hundred pounds, remained easy all the while, under the impression that certain precious documents called "I.O.U.'s" of the aforesaid Yahoo were, as he had always assured him, as good as cash. He was horribly dismayed on discovering that it was slightly otherwise; that he was not to be paid before all other credi tors, and immediately; so he also sent a special message in the shape of a curses. in spite of several attempts which he had made, when charged with the requisite quantity of wine, to exhibit an impertinent familiarity, or even defiance. As soon as poor Titmouse had bade Fitz-Snooks good-by, shaken hands with him, and lost sight of him-Titmouse was at Yatton, alone with Gammon, and felt as if a spell were upon him.-He was completely cowed and prostrate. Yet Gammon laid himself out to the uttermost to please him, and re-assure his drooping spirits. He had got into his head, that the mysterious and dreadful Gammon had, in some deep way or other, been at the bottom of Yahoo's abduction, and of the disappearance of Fitz-Snooks, and would, by-and-by, do as much for him! He had no feeling of ownership of Yatton; but of being, as it were, only tenant-at-will thereof to Mr Gammon! Detainer, backed by a great number of | strictly preserved there! and the birds so uncommon shy and wild, and strong In process of time Mr Yahoo be- on the wing! Besides, Gammon's thought himself of getting "white-presence was a terrible pressure upon washed;" but when he came to be in-him; overawing and benumbing him, spected, it was considered that he was not properly seasoned; so the operation was delayed for two years, under an arbitrary statute, which enacted, "that if it should appear that the said prisoner had contracted any of his debts fraudulently, or by means of false pretences, or without having had any reasonable or probable expectation, at the time when contracted, of paying the same," &c. &c. &c., or should be indebted for damages recovered in any action for criminal conversation, or seduction, or for malicious injuries, &c. &c., such prisoner should be discharged as to such debts and damages, so soon only as he should have been in custody at the suit of such creditors for a period or periods not exceeding two years." Such is the odious restraint upon the liberty of the subject, which, at this day, in the nineteenth century, is suffered to disgrace the statute law of England; for, in order to put other Yahoos upon their guard against the cruel and iniquitous designs upon them, I here inform them that the laws under which Mr Yahoo suffered his two years' incarceration (every one of his debts, &c., coming under one or other of the descriptions abovementioned), are, proh pudor! re-enacted and at this moment in force, and in augmented stringency, as several respectable gentlemen, if you could only get access to them, would tell Whenever he tried to re-assure himself, by repeating that it did not sig nify-for Yatton was his own-and he might do as he liked; his feelings might be compared to a balloon, which, with the eyes of eager and anxious thousands upon it, yet cannot get inflated sufficiently to rise an inch from the ground. How was it? Mr Gammon's manner towards him was uncommonly respectful; what else could he wish for? Yet he would have given a thousand pounds to that gentleman to take himself off, and never show his calm but intolerable face again at Yatton! It annoyed him, too, more than he could express, to perceive the deference and respect which every one at the Hall manifested towards Mr Gammon. Titmouse would sometimes stamp his foot, when alone, with childish fury on the ground, when he thought of it. When at dinner, and sitting together afterwards, Gammon would rack his invention for jokes and anecdotes to amuse Titmouse-who would certainly give a kind of laugh; exclaim, "Bravo! Ha, ha! 'Pon my life!-capital!-By Jove! | down on your knees to us? Did you Most uncommon good! you don't say not promise, a thousand times, to do so?" but it was only the ghost of a infinitely more than you are now called laugh; and he would go on, drinking upon to do? And is this, you insolent glass after glass of wine, or brandy-despicable little insect!-is this the and-water, and smoking cigar after return you make us for putting you, cigar, till he felt fuddled and sick, in a beggar and very nearly too, an which condition he would retire to bed, and leave Gammon, clear and serene in head and temper, to his meditations. When, at length, he broached the subject of their bill-a frightful amount it was; of the monies advanced by Mr Quirk, for his support for eight or nine months on a liberal scale, and which mounted up to a sum infinitely larger than could have been supposed; and lastly, of the bond for ten thousand pounds, as the just reward to the firm for their long-continued, anxious, and successful exertions on their client's behalf-Titmouse mustered up all his resolution, as for a last desperate struggle; swore they were robbing him; and added, with a furious snap of the fingers, "they had better take the estate themselves allow him a pound a-week, and send him back to Tagrag's.' ." Then he burst into tears, and cried like a child, long and bitterly. Well, sir," said Gammon, after remaining silent for some time, looking at Titmouse calmly, but with an expression of face which frightened him out of his wits, "if this is to be really the way in which I am to be treated by you-I, the only real disinterested friend you have in the world, as you have had hundreds of opportunities of ascertaining, if my advice is to be spurned, and my motives are to be suspected; if your first and deliberate engagements to our firm are to be wantonly broken" idiot -unmake you will blow you away like a bit of froth; you shall never be seen, or heard of, or thought of, except by some small draper whose unhappy shopman you may be!" "Ah!-'pon my life! Daresay you think I'm most uncommon frightened! Ah, ha! Monstrous-particular good!" said Titmouse desperately. Gammon perceived that he trembled in every limb; and the smile which he tried to throw into his face was so wretched, that, had you seen him at that moment, and considered his position, much and justly as you now despise him, you must have pitied him. 'Ah, but, 'pon my soul, I was humbugged into making them," said Tit-"You're always, now, going on in mouse, passionately. "Why, you little miscreant!" exclaimed Gammon, starting up in his chair, and gazing at him as if he would have scorched him with his eye, "Do you DARE to say so? If you have no gratitude-have you lost your memory? What were you when I dug you out of your filthy hole at Closet Court? Did you not repeatedly go this way! It's all so likely!" continued he. "Why, 'pon my soul, am not I to be A LORD one of these days? Can you help that? Can you send a lord behind a draper's counter? 'Pon my soul, what do you say to that? I like that, uncommon' "What do I say?" replied Gammon calmly, "why, that I've a great mind to say and do something that would |