Sir M. My stars! the players in a cart!

Bomb. The manager is in a bitter taking. The sea has lost six of its waves, by the carelessness of a rogue of a chamberlain, who set it on fire; the dragon wants a wing and two claws; the drop-scene is ready to drop to pieces; and the waterfall, having sprung a leak, is likely to produce an overflowing house. They have still a mustardbowl to make thunder, and the landlord of the Half Moon has promised 'em some aquavitæ for lightning.

Sir M. But the ladies, Billy,-the ladies.

Bomb. Bless their dear souls! they arrived safe; but not without some adventures. Mrs. Aurelia Angelica Truncheon, by the upsetting of the vehicle, dropped into the mire, while that interesting little personage, Master Aiphonso Peregrine Truncheon, the young heir-apparent, partook of the disaster; my old favourite, Betty Ranter, travelling in the basket of the Opposition Fly, and fatigued by her exertions the preceding night, in the characters of Desdemona, Columbine, and Moll Flaggon, soon tumbled into the arms of Somnus, when, dreaming about Othello, she suddenly caught a fat Quaker round the neck, and exclaim'd" Perdition catch my soul, but I do love thee!"

Sir M. How fortunate! I intend, upon my weddingnight, to have a new tragedy of my own performed, for the entertainment of the company, and these players shall form part of the Dramatis Persona. You, Billy, as first fiddle, must step forward with an elegant air, a bow, and a smirk thus: Ladies and Gentlemen,-To-morrow evening will be perfomed a new tragedy: to which will be added the farce of Matrimony.'

Bomb. Not a musical one!

Capt. The whole to conclude with the "Devil to Pay." Bomb. I'll speak the prologue, the posey to the ring, dress'd in a full suit of sables,-for

"Without black velvet breeches-what is man?"

Then the advertisements! Last night, Mr. Bombast appeared in the character of Don Miraculo Mustachio, in Sir Marmaduke Metaphor's new tragedy, called "The Amiable Assassin :"-his awfully-grand-terrific-transcendant-sublime and superlative success, absolutely astonished and electrified the audience.

Capt. Bravo, Mr. Bombast! bravo! But, Sir Marmaduke, how do you begin this new tragedy of yours?

Sir M. I flatter myself the opening is fine!The king

C

sitting in a thoughtful posture, with a dagger and a bowl before him.

Capt. Very solemn! A dagger and a bowl of poison
Sir M. No, of punch. I think the idea is original.
Capt. O, quite !

Sir M. The characters, terribly deep!

Capt. Make 'em miserable?

Sir M. Yes; I marry 'em!

Capt. I hope, Sir Marmaduke, this piece will be more successful than your last one.

how they

Sir M. Yet, what a tragedy it was! Such distress! The audience must have suffered a great deal; groaned !

Bomb. [Who, during the above conversation, has relapsed into reverie.] The clock strikes one!—

Sir M. Does it? Then I must away;

Cupid calls, and 1 obey.

Bomb. Your honour won't forget the play.

[Exit, R.

Capt. Ha, ha, ha! You're a wag, Mr. Bombast; you're a wag.

Bomb. So was my father, Mr. Boniface Bombast, from whom I received the first rudiments of my education. He was in the auctioneering and pamphleteering line: a very eminent man in his way; and equally celebrated for knocking down an article in a sale room, and knocking up one in a review. My. first literary attempt was a flaming advertisement, to puff Doctor Von Drench'em's newly invented original and genuine anti-bilious pill, an infallible cure for all acute disorders. My next was a Satirical Poem; very acute, I can assure you. I then composed the whole art and mystery of Blacking, or Every Man his own Polisher ; which turned out all Betty Martin: and, among fifty other things, I was the projector of a patent steam-boat, which unluckily blew up, scalded the passengers, and kept me in hot water for a month afterwards!

Capt. And what made you turn stroller?

Bomb. Taste, sir; taste. Mr. Boniface used to pro phecy that theatricals would be my ruin; so he bound me apprentice to one Shark, an attorney, to save me from going to the devil!

Capt. I should have thought it had been the readiest way of sending you there

Bomb. I was now condemned to study John Doe and Richard Roe, instead of King John and King Richard the Third ;-what a task for a person of my aspiring abilities!

For I had heard of Shakspeare, and I long'd
To play upon the stage some tragic part;

And Heaven soon granted what my sire deny'd!

I became acquainted with Mr. Peregrine Truncheon. Capt. And what came out of this new acquaintance? Bomb. I came out, sir.-He flattered my talents and offered me an engagement. Lawyer Shark stormed,-I ranted. 66 Copy that brief," said he: " Brief let me be," said I. So I gave the little attorney leg-bail, and left his six pair of stairs' chambers in the Temple, to become a candidate for theatrical honours in the temple of Thespis! where I made some noise.

Capt. I dare say you did!

Bomb. Had you but seen my debut; when I cleaved the general ear with horrid speech, the audience gave me such a peal!

Capt. Orange peel, I suppose ;-but where are your companions?

Bomb. At the Pig and Whistle! I hope, Captain, we shall have the honour of your patronage.

Capt. Most certainly; you must, however, excuse me for the present. Adieu, Mr Bombast, I hope you'll have a good house. [Exit, R.

Bomb. Captain, your servant. Thus far we run before the wind! Egad, it will be necessary to raise it too, for the company are heinously unprovided for.-What a thing it is to be a man of importance! To stand betwixt murder and merriment, like Garrick between Tragedy and Comedy. I've promised the churchwardens to be funny at the parish dinner, must'nt miss that for the world; 'tis the epitome of good living, and of good manners!

SONG.-The Parish Dinner.

Your city folk, with pun and joke, may boast their feasts a Guildhall,

Where once a year, with dainty cheer, the epicures are fill'd all;

But I maintain, tho' plenty reign, to feast each hungry

sinner,

For fare and fun, you'll ten to one prefer a parish dinner ; Where, cheek by jowl, each jovial soul, with double chin you mark,

From honest Parson Humblebee to Snufflebags the clerk!

[Spoken.] "I say, vaitor! hand dowu that calve's head from the top of the table. Vaitor! don't ye hear? The churchwarden wants a tête-à-tête with the calve's head! Mr. Dismal, permit me to pass you a merry-thought.— Here's a skipjack for the dancing-master, and a bishop's nose for the clerk.-Here, Tom! Dick! Harry! Will nobody run for a plate ?"-" My horse shall, if you please! he ran for one at the St. Ledger." "Aud carried off the stakes -Eh!". -"Hollow!""Then he won't do for me, for I'm devilish sharp set."- "Ha, ha, ha! a wery good joke, Mr. Quibble; but is that 'are your own?"-"No sir, it's a wig!"-"Good again. Well, it's all fair."-" Aye, and fowl too, at a Parish Dinner!"

See vermicellies, pies and jellies, partridges and custard, Widgeons, pigeons, ham, and lamb, in sweet confusion muster'd!

Churchwarden Pinch, who'll never flinch, what gormandizing work he

Kicks up among the chine and tongue, the turtle-soup and turkey!

Such dainty things, as legs and wings, to epicures are

grateful,

Of ev'ry dish, from fowl to fish, the lawyer's had a platefull

While Simon Sneer, the overseer, plays loyally his part, And now he swallows turtle-soup, and now an apple-tart!

[Spoken.] "I wish, sir, you would'nt spill no more parsley and butter into my coat pocket! It's very ungentlemanly of any gentleman to stick needles into another gentleman's wig!"—" Pardon me, Mr. Pestle, you remember the old song, "True as the needle to the Pole."""Come, come, Mr. Bacon, none of your gammon. If you come for to go for to prac-tise any of your practical jokes upon my friend, Mr. Pestle, who is a medical practitioner in full practice, I shall try the rule of three upon your knowledgebox, with a-witness my hand !"-" Pray, Mr. Floor'em, may I propound a question?-Hav'nt you been to school?" "Does a duck swim ?"-" And what might you study?" "Knox's (Knocks's) Essays! Will you have a taste ?”"Silence! Silence!"

Such jamming, cramming, rhyming, chiming, smoking, joking, jollity

The lawyer grave chaunts forth a stave, the parson's all frivolity!

Now, clear the forks and draw the corks-huzza! the parish pays for't,

Altho' the poor, we're pretty sure, will fast their forty days for't.!

Cries Tommy Stich-" the vine is sich, so pleasant, soft and mellow,

So, Sammy Screw, I'll drink to you, for you're an honest fellow!"

"Good Billy Bray! your song, or say!"—" Excuse me, Muster Chairman !"

"Vy, Freddy Friz, you're sich a quiz,—you'd make a parson swear, man!"

[Spoken.] "I never speechify'd in all my born days, except at our last westry, for the election of a turncock, and then I got quizzed."" Billy," said the barber, "whenever you opens your mouth, you're sure to put your foot in it ""Gentlemen,"says I, "I hold this here argument to be good."-" Hold that there tongue of yours!" says another," and then it will be better!"-"Mr. Squintum, will you favour us with a song?" [lisps] "Sir, I never sings, I only recites select speeches out of Millstone, Shikspur, and Wenus Preserved; there's Mr. Brisket, of Carnaby Market:"-"Come, Mr. B. give us a touch of Hamlet."-"Villlingly "My tablets-meat, it is, I set it down!"-" I'm sure Mr. Snuffle has got a singing face; do, Mr. Snuffle, strike up a Wolunteer." "My woice is only among the middlings, Mr. Pwesident, but, if so be as how the company is agweeable, I'll make it a pint."-" It will be more so if you make it a bottle."-" Order! order! where's the chair?"- -"Under the table !"- "What! is Mr. Snip sewed up at last? ha! ha! ha!"

:

For rig and gig, and fun and pun, to make dull care a grinner,

Of every feast, from west to east, give me a parish din[Exit, L.

ner!

END OF ACT I.