He whin'd, he pin'd, so droll, poor soul! and look'd quite stupid at you. The maiden sigh'd, the knight he cry'd-to love I will provoke her Will you marry me, my dear Alley Croaker? Sir M. Hang Alley Croaker. Mar. For shame, Sir Marmaduke. Sir M. I'say hang Alley Croaker, and Signora Squalini, very particularly Flo. Ha ha ha! you're quite in a pleasant humour. Shall I give you a merry air? Sir M. You give yourself too many, madam! Mar. Pray, Sir Marmaduke, did you ever dance? Sir M. Dance, madam! I never danc'd in all my life ;and, what is more, I never intend to dance. Mar. You must positively be initiated in the graces. I should abominate a husband that could'nt dance. Shall we waltz, reel, jig, minuet? Come, sir, chuse your figure. Sir M. I don't know what you mean by figure. Methinks, I cut a very queer one myself!-but if I dance-. that is to say-if I dance, ladies, may I be―― Flo. Hush, sir, no vows. A gentleman without his pumps looks as awkward as a lawyer without his wig, or an apothecary without his cane. Dance you must. up, hands down, toes out, right foot first-pousset. Sir M. What's pussy Mar. Very well. Now, lead off. TRIO. SIR MARMADUKE, FLORA, and MARIA. Head Mar. Will you dance to the tune of Sir Simon the King? Zounds, I shan't ma'am ! Flo.. A waltz cotillion, or highland fling, A minuet, jig, or fandango? Sir M. Jigs I detest-d'ye think I'm an ape, Mar. Flo. To kick up my heels to the fiddle's vile scrape? What a grace, what an air! A Vestris in skill, an Adonis in shape! Sir M. Well, if I must, egad, here goes: Right foot tapering, Left foot capering, I shall charm all the belles, and astonish the beaux, Mar. Hold up your head, sir, and turn out your toes, [During the above trio, which is to the tune of a waltz, Maria and Flora teach Sir Marmaduke to dance; after which they join in a reel with great spirit, Sir Marmaduke dancing until quite exhausted.] Sir M. Mercy, ladies, or I'm a dead man. Mar. Well done, Sir Marmaduke! you'll be quite a proficient in time; why, you seem surprised at my condescension. Sir M. Surprised!—I'm rapt,―astonished,―astounded, -I'm absolutely electrified! I hardly know whether I stand on my head or my heels. Mar. And now I hope we understand each other? Mar. The old catalogue of sighs, tears, fond looks, &c. &c. that generally precede the marriage ceremony, like a dull prologue to a play, we may as well dispense with. Sir M. Suppose, Miss Maria, we dispense with the ceremony altogether. Mar. Amazement! Am I awake! Sir M. Yes, miss, and so am I, to your whims and your vagaries, your reels and your fandangos. And you, Madam Pert, with your opera box and Signora Squalini; why, the revenues of the Grand Seignor, the Great Mogul, or the Cham of Tartary, would hardly be sufficient to support such extravagance! Flo. I don't know what you may call extravagance, sir. Sir M. Then I'll tell you, minx! five hundred guineas lost at cards. Flo. Would you have my lady play at two-penny whist ? Sir M. Aye, and Pope Joan. Mar. Or beggar my neighbour, perhaps. Sir M. Beggar your neighbour, if you please, madam, but don't think to beggar me. Adieu, Miss Maria. You wont catch me again at right foot tapering-left foot capering! Good bye, Signora Squalini, with your waltzes and caterwaulings! Damn caterwauling, aye, and pussy into the bargain! [Exit Sir Marmaduke, L. Flo. Ha! ha! ha! the poor knight is nearly frightened out of his wits; we have fairly got rid of him; now to set our prisoner free. [Taps at the room-door.] Noble Captain, come forth! Enter CAPTAIN WING'EM from the room. Capt. You play'd your parts admirably; but, my dear Maria, let us instantly take advantage of this happy opportunity. A loud noise without.] Mur. Surely that was my father's voice?-He comes this way! What's to be done?" Flo. Suppose, captain, you try the window: Cupid will lend you wings! [The voices approach nearer. Capt. I wish he'd lend me an extra pair of legs! I'll run all chances, and step back to my old quarters. [Capt. Wing'em goes into the room Enter SIR TIMOTHY, dragging in JEREMY, disguised, L. Sir Tim. As I am a knight and one of the quorum, tell me, fellow, how you came to be skulking in my house? Jer. Skulking in your house, sir! Sir Tim. Don't repeat my words, sirrah :-Let me take your dispositions:-Your name, villain! Jer. Toby Tripeface, your honour. Sir Tim. Were you born in wedlock, Toby? Jer. Noa, your worship; at Yackum, in Yorkshire. Jer. He he he! why my feyther and mother, your excellency! Sir Tim. Humph! and what is your profession? Jer. I be a conjuror. I tells fortins; and finds things that be lost. Sir Tim. And things that are not lost, I dare say! You are then a sort of necromancer? Jer. No not a negro man, sir. Sir Tim. And what the plague brings you here? Jer. Plague, suré enough! Why, love for that young woman, your worship, [pointing to Floru.] We've a sort of sneaking kindness for one another. Sir Tim. Sneaking kindness! You've no business to be sneaking in my house, sirrah. Is this true, Mistress Iniquity? Flo. I blush to own it, Sir Timothy ! Sir Tim. Blúsh! then it must be something very bad indeed!-however, Toby, to cool the effects of your passion, I'll desire my coachman to give you twenty good stripes! [Flora and Maria make motions to Captain Wing'em, who, during the above conversation, keeps peeping through the D 1 door in the flat; he then comes forward: Maria and Flora steal off, R.] Capt. [Tapping Sir Timothy on the shoulder.] Sir Timothy, I claim the right of punishing that man myself, as a deserter from the company which I have the honour to command. Sir Tim. A deserter! Toby Tripeface! eh! villain' Jer. Yes, sir, a deserter, and, like your worship, no conjurer! [Throwing open his great coat, under which ap pear his regimentals.] Sir Tim. And who are you, my young Mars ?—and how the deuce came you into my house? Capt. I watched the fellow hither, and am come to take him into custody. I'm Lieutenant Hector Thunderbolt, at your service! Sir Tim. Pray, Lieutenant Hector Thunderbolt, do you know any thing of one Captain Wing'em? Capt. The Captain is a particular friend of mine: have you any thing to say against him? Sir T. Only that the intriguing rascal has more than once attempted to run away with my daughter. Capt. I've heard Wing'em relate some of his pranks at your house-When you were out at the window, he was in at the door; and when you were in at the door, he was out at the window. There are odds depending, that the captain runs away with your daughter in spite of you. Sir T. Then he must be quick about it, for she's going to be married to-morrow! Capt. Nay, even more than that, Sir Timothy; that he tricks you in your very presence, and bamboozles you to your face! Sir T. But what must I be about to let him! No, notell your intriguing friend, that I'm perfectly well prepared for his reception, should he, or his facetious corporal, honor me with another visit: a loaded blunderbuss shall sound his welcome; and for Master Jeremy, his bottleholder, a cat-o'-nine-tails shall do his business. Jer. [Aside.] You see what we have to expect, sir. Capt. The captain is a bold man.-Faint heart `never won fair lady.-Don't be too positive, Sir Timothy. Sir T. Zounds! I'll be imperative! for superlative must be his cunning if he gets the better of my sagacity If he has wit enough to wed my daughter, in the name of ingenuity let him wear her; and if he makes a dupe of me at this time o' day, let him call me fool all my life afterwards! Capt. Ha ha! ha! I'll deliver your message, Sir Timothy. Sir T. And you shall be umpire, Lieutenant, to say whether I've been fairly tricked! Capt. Agreed! Ha! ha! ha!-Come, sirrah. [Exeunt Capt. W. and Jeremy, R. Sir T. Make a fool of me to my face! Ha! ha! ha!I should like to see the jockey that would dare to make a fool of a knight and an alderman! AIR. SIR TIMOTHY. Fee, faw, fum! Orator mum! Great and small, gentlefolks all, They stare, declare, and swear, O`rare! No pleader, no proctor, no lawyer, no doctor, Julap, cathartic, give people the heart-ache, With turtle and ven'son to feast jolly friends on, Old Nick may take physic for me! SCENE III-An Apartment. Enter BOMBAST. [Exit, L. Bomb. Glorious doings for the approaching marriage !all bustle and business. The dinner, which has been a long time in preparation, will be speedily produced; it will, no doubt, go down extremely well,-become a popu lar entertainment, and, I hope, have a good run.- Flora crosses the stage, L.] Ha! Flora! whither so fast? Flo. Mr. Bombast, I'm in a great hurry. Bomb. What, hey for the wedding! You must know |