SHEPHERD. Great poopit orator sare aften gayen stupit in conversation. The plea santest orators o' my aquaintance, the maist sensible and instructin' in society, are them that just preaches weel eneuch to satisfy folk in the kirk, without occasionin' ony great gossip about their discourse in the kirk-yard. There's a harmony atween their doctrine and their daily life that tells in the long-run a' ower the parish-but it's nae easy maitter, indeed it's unpossible for your hee fleers to ack in preevat as they ack in public-in the parlour as in the poopit. TICKLER. The bawling bashaw, James, may become an abject mute-a tyrant on the Sabbath-through the week-days a slave. ६ SHEPHERD. Scoldin' a' his heritors when preachin'-lickin' the dust aff their shoes when dinin' in their houses NORTH. Whisht-James-whisht-you know my respect for the Scottish clergy; and among the high-flyers, as you call them, are some of our most splendid orators and useful ministers. SHEPHERD. Whisht yoursell, Mr North. You've spocken' twa words for my ane the day-But tell me, sir, did you gang to see Mr Pay Tay Cooke, in the Pilot? Did ye ever see the like o' yon? NORTH. The best Sailor, out of all sight and hearing, that ever trod the stage. SHEPHERD. Do ye ca' yon treddin' the stage? You's no treddin'. When he first loupit out o' the boat on the dry lawn, tryin' to steady himsell on his harpoon, he gar'd me fin' the verra furm aneath me in the pit shooin' up and down, as if the earth were lowsen'd frae her moorin's. I grew amaist sea-sick. NORTH. Nothing overdone-no bad bye-play, blabbing of the land-lubber-not too much pulling up of the trowsers-no ostentatious display of pig-tail-onc chuck of tobacco into his cheek, without any perceptible chaw, sufficient to show that next to grog the quid is dear-no puling, no whining, when on some strong occasion he pumps his eye, but merely a slight choking of that full, deep, rich mellow voice, symphonious, James, in all its keys with the ocean's, whether piping in the shrouds, or blowing great guns, running up, James, by way of pastime, the whole gamut-and then, so much heart and soul, James, in minute particulars, justifying the most passionate exhibition when comes crisis or catastrophe SHEPHERD. What for do you no mention the hornpipe? I wad gie fifty pounds to be able to dance yon way. Faith, I wad astonish them at kirns. Haw! haw! haw! The way he twists the knees o' him—and rins on his heels—and doon to the floor wi' a wide spread-eagle amaist to his verra doup-up again like mad, and awa' aff intil some ither nawtical muvement o' the hornpipe, bafflin a' comprehension as to its meanin'; and then a' the while siccan a face! I wush I kent him-he maun be a fine fallow. SHEPHERD. That's aneuch-I never can help carryin' ontil the stage my knowledge o an actor's preevat character-and I couldna thole to see a drunken, dishonest, ne'erdoweel actin' sic a pairt as Lang Tam in the Pilot. NORTH. I believe such a thing would be impossible. Mr Cooke served in the navy in his boyhood, and fought in the glorious battle off Cape St Vincent. But all his experience of a sea life, and all his genius would have been vain, had he not possessed within his own heart the virtues of the British tar. That gives a truth, a glow of colouring to his picture of Long Tom-just, my dear James, as if you were to act the principal part in that little Piece of mine, the Ettrick Shepherd. TICKLER. What impostor, dearest James, could personate a certain Pastor in the Noctes Ambrosian SHEPHERD. Is Mr Gurney gotten intil the press again? NORTH. James, I wish you would write the Monthly Dramatic Review for Maga? SHEPHERD. Hoo can I do that, leevin' in the Forest? NORTH. Poo-I will send you out the Journal, and the Mercury, and the Observer, and the Chronicle, who have all "a strong propensity for the drama," and you can give us the cream of Acris, and Vindex, and Fair Play, and a Friend of Rising Merit, and Philo, and Vox Populi, and a Pittite, and A. and Y., and P. Q. SHEPHERD. I wad rather undertak to sen' you in creeteeks on a' the sermons preach'd every Sawbath in a' the kirks in Embro'-provided you just send me out the texts, and twa-three o' the heads, wi' the ministers' names labell'd. NORTH. Something of that sort, James, was attempted in London, in a periodical called the Pulpit. Yet, would you believe it, not one of the contributors ever went to church. They had, each his old woman in her pew, with whom they took a glass of gin and water for an hour of the Sunday evening, before going to the Pig and Whistle, and thus got the materials for a general weekly Review of the Pulpit Eloquence of the Metropolis. SHEPHERD. Safe us-what a shame! There's nae settin' boun's to the wickedness o' the gentlemen o' the press. To creeticeese a minister in the poopit-and describe his face, and his vice, and the action o' his hauns, and his way o' managin' the whites o' his een, without ever haein' been in his kirk! It's fearsome. NORTH. The wickedness of the whole world, James, is fearsome. Many a sleepless night I pass thinking of it, and endeavouring to digest plans for the amelioration of my species. SHEPHERD. A' in vain, a' in vain! The bit wean at its mother's breast, lang afore it can speak, girns like an imp o' sin; and the auld man, sittin' palsied and pillow-prapped in his arm-chair at the neuk o' the fire, grows black i' the face wi' rage, gin his parritch is no richt biled, or the potawties ower hard; and prefaces his mummled prayer wi' a mair mummled curse. TICKLER. Your language, James, has been particularly strong all this evening. The sea is bracing. SHEPHERD. Honour and honesty! Wha ever saw them staun a real trial? The Platonic Philosopher seduces the sister o' the brither o' his soul-the "noblest work o' God" receives a' the poor people's money in the parish, and becomes a bankrupt. NORTH. It is only among women, my dear James, that anything is to be found deserving the name of virtue or religion. SHEPHERD. The lassie o' saxteen 'll rin awa' wi' a tinkler, and break her father's heart. He dees, and his poor disconsolate widow, wha has worn a deep black veil for a towmont, that she mayna see or be seen by the sun, marries an Eerish sodger, and neist time you see her, she has naething on her head but a dirty mutch, and she's gaun up and doon the street, half-fou, wi' an open bosom, sucklin' twuns! Ephesian matron! TICKLER. R SHEPHERD. Gie an advocate bizziness whan he's starvin', at the tap o' a common stair, wull he help you to fit out your son for India, when he has become a Judge, inhabitin' a palace in Moray Place? Gie a preacher a kirk, and in three months he insults his pawtron. Buy up a naitural son, stap by stap, in the airmy, till he's a briggadeer, and he'll disoun his ain father, and pretend that he belangs to a distant branch o' the stem o' some noble family-although, aiblins, he never had on stockins till he was ensign, and up to the date o' his first commission herded the kye. Get a reprieve for a rubber the nicht afore execution, and he sall celebrate the anniversary o' his Free Pardon in your pantry, carryin' aff wi' him a silver trencher and the branching caunlesticks. Review a new Poet in Blackwood's Magazine, roosin' him to the skies, and he or his freens 'll accuse you o' envy and jealousy, and libel you in the Scotsman. In short, do a' the gude you can to a' mankind, and naebody 'll thank you. But come nearer to me, Mr North-lend me your ear, sir, it's richt it sud be sae-for, let a man luk into his ain heart-the verra man-me-or you-or Mr Tickler there that has been lamentin' ower the original sin o' our fellow-creturs,— and oh! what a sicht does he see there-just a mass o' corruption! We're waur than the warst o' them we hae been consignin' tae the pit, and grue to peep ower the edge o't, lest Satan, wha is stannin' girnin' ahint our back, gie us a dunge when we're no mindin', and bury us in the brimstone. TICKLER. Oh, ho, gents-from libelling individuals, you two are now advancing to libel human nature at large. For my own part, I have a most particular esteem for human nature at large-and SHEPHERD. Your views is no scriptural, Mr Tickler. The Bible Society could tell you better TICKLER. The British and Foreign Bible Society? Dr Andrew Thomson has given the Directors a most complete squabash; and I am glad to see the monstrous abuses of which they have been guilty reprobated in a calm and sensible article in the last admirable number of the Quarterly Review. NORTH. Into what sacred place will not Mammon find entrance? Well done, Dr Leander Van Ess, agent at Darmstadt! For fifteen years, James, has the Professor been in the annual receipt of three hundred and sixty poundswhich, in Germany, James, is equivalent to about a thousand a-year in the Forest. Safe us! what for doin'? SHEPHERD. NORTH. Distributing the Scriptures among the Roman Catholics of Germany, James. SHEPHERD. Greedy houn'! chargin' siller for giein' a puir benichted beggar body a grawtis copy o' the Word o' God! NORTH. A gratis copy, my dear James! Stop a bit. The Doctor is himself the principal proprietor of the version which he has for so many years been circulating at the expense of the Society; and during his connexion with it he has circulated six hundred thousand! Take his profit ten per cent, James, and the Doctor must be worth a plum. O the greedy houn'! SHEPHERD. NORTH. "Leander Van Ess," quoth the Seventeenth Report, "seeks no earthly emoluments; nor is the applause of a vain world his aim; he desires not the treasures which rust and moth consume. No; the glory of God, and the salvation of souls, these are the pure and heavenly principles which influence his mind and stimulate his actions." SHEPHERD. And hypocrites like thae will abuse us for dinin' at Awmrose's and discussin' the interests o' mankind, ower the Deevil's Punch-Bowl! TICKLER. And were the Doctor, under the pretence of piety and erudition, to make one with us of a partie carrée, he would sham pauper, and SHEPHERD. Look anither airt whan the bill cam in! NORTH. James, refresh and revive your soul by reference to the proceedings of the Assembly's Scheme for Establishing Schools in our own Highlands. There is pure enlightened Christian philanthropy, without fee or reward. SHEPHERD. A' the Heelanders want is but better schulin', and some mair kirks— NORTH. And they are getting both, James. Why this Society alone, with its very moderate funds, has already established between thirty and forty schools! SHEPHERD. Hae they indeed? They sall hae their reward-here and hereafter. I hope they dinna despise the applause o' a vain warld like Dr Yes-nor yet yearthly emoliments-nor yet the treasures which rust and moth consume. The ap plause o' a vain warld's an unco pleesant and encouragin' thing, as I experienced when I published the Queen's Wake, and veese versa when I put out the Perils -and as for the Moths-they hae gotten intil every chest of drawers, and a' the presses at Mount Benger, and riddled twa coats and three pair o' breeks till they're no weerable. Cou'd ye no gie me a recate for extirpatin' the clan, sir ? TICKLER. Write for one, James, to the said German quack-Dr Leander Von Ess. SHEPHERD. Howsomever, moths are naething tae bugs, and thank Heaven there's nane o' them in the Forest. But wha's at the head o' the Assembly's Scheme for Educatin' the Highlan's, sir? Principal Baird-James. NORTH. SHEPHERD. That's just like himsell-never happy but when he's doin' good. NORTH. You have drawn his character, James, in three words. And as he is always doing good SHEPHERD. Why, then, he maun aye be happy. NORTH. Sound doctrine. Truly happy was I to see and hear him, during the time of the General Assembly, getting without seeking it, and enjoying without overvaluing it," the applause of a vain world!" Edinburgh rung with his praises-from peers and judges to the caddy at the corner of the street. SHEPHERD. A' the cauddies are Heelanders, and faith they'll ken, for they read the papers, that the Principal loes their land o' mists and mountains, and is pruvin' his love by giein' the Gael edication, the only thing wantin' to equaleeze them wi' the Sassenach. NORTH. A scheme, James, in which all good men must rejoice to unite. No wasting of funds here, but one Secretary, and he the best one,-all subscriptions applied directly to the noble work in hand. Patriotism strengthens what religion and humanity inspire, and the blessings conferred on the poor Highlanders will gladden the eyes of the mere prospect-hunter in search of the beautiful and picturesque, who will see with deeper emotions the smokewreathes winding up to heaven from cottages, whose humble inmates have learned the way thither from lessons that might never have been taught them but for the labours of this excellent man, and the other enlightened and zealous Divines leagued with him in the same sacred work. SHEPHERD. Every word you say, sir, is the truth. Pity-nay, shame-to think that there should be ae single man, woman, or child in a' Scotland, to whom the Bible is a sealed book. NORTH. Charity should begin at home, James-although it should not end thereand I confess it would grieve me to think that the Mohawks should all be reading away at Teyoninhokarawen's translation of the Bible, while thousands on thousands of the natives of Lochaber and Badenoch were unable to read that of Dr Stewart of Luss. TICKLER. Yet I cannot, I confess, go entirely along with the Quarterly Reviewer, when he objects to all Translations of the Scriptures not executed by accomplished Greek and Hebrew scholars. That a man should be at once a profound Hebraist and a first-rate Mohawk, is not only against the doctrine of chances, but the laws of nature. Better the Bible with many errors, than no Bible at all. NORTH. Perhaps, Tickler, we are getting out of our depths. SHEPHERD. Gettin' out o' your deepth! Ma faith, Mr North, when ye get out o' your deepth, ither folk'll be droonin'-when the water's up to your chin, there'll be a sair jinglin' in maist throats; and when it's risen out-ower your nose, sir, there'll be naething less than a universal deluge. TICKLER. The newspapers have been lately filled with contemptible libel-actions, I observe, North. How does Maga escape? NORTH. A dog of any sense, finding a kettle tied to his tail, sneaks into a close in town, or lane in the country, and sitting down on his encumbered and jingling rump, whines on some benevolent Howard to untie the tin. It is done, and the cur repairs to his kennel, without farther yelp to the public. A dog of no sense scampers along the street, himself a whole band of instrumental music, knocking the kettle against every shin that kicks him, till his master, a greater fool than himself, insists on reparation, and summons the impugner of the cynic system to a Court of Justice, savage for damages. It has so happened, that the curs I have occasionally so treated have been of the former class, and have found their advantage in such conduct, for I thenceforth spared them; and they all know me when they meet me on the street, some of them even wagging their tails in approbation of my past severity, and gratitude for my present forbearance. TICKLER. Soane was silly in bringing an action against an article in Knight's Quarterly Magazine. NORTH. Truly so. He is a good architect, Soane, and may therefore laugh at being called a bad one. Not a bad idea-the Boeotian order of architecture. Is Knight's Quarterly Magazine dead, think ye, Tickler? TICKLER. I fear so. But some of the contributors, I believe, are yet alive-so is Knight himself, I am glad to see-and I wish him all prosperity, for he is a very gentlemanly person-a man of honour and abilities. NORTH. Poor Parry, too! Fifty pounds won't pay his attorney. I remember being so far taken in with that book of his about Byron, as to think it authentic. And I am not sure now, that most of the matter is not true. It would appear from the trial, that a Mr Thomas Hodgkin had a hand in the composition of it -and if he kept to Parry's oral or written statements, which I think there is reason to suppose he did, where's the harm? Mr Hodgkin, I believe, was once in the navy and his lectures on Political Economy before the Mechanics' Institution, though full of untenable positions, show him to be a man of talent. From his having been appointed Secretary to the Mechanical Institution it is, |