of Maggy frae scolding Mrs Todd about the flour.

In she comes, a' in a flurry. Her face was as red as a peyny rose, her breathing cam fast, and she lookit a'thegither like ane that has had a sair warsle wi' the tongue. But she was far frae being downcast. On the contrair, she lookit as proud as a Turkey cock; and I saw wi' the tail of my ee that she had gained a gran' victory ower puir Mrs Todd, who was a douce, quiet woman, and nae match for the like of her in randying. So she began to stump and mak a great phrase about the way she had outcrawed the puir body; and was a'thegither as upset about it as if Duke Hamilton had made her keeper of his palace. Losh, I was mad to hear't, and twa or three times had a gude mind to put in a word-to sic a degree was my courage raised by the drap speerits but aye as the words were rising to my mouth, the thocht of the can and the dressing sent them back again, till they stuck like a bane in my throat. Very likely I micht hae said ne'er a word, and Andrew Brand's advice micht hae gane for naething, had it no been for the cratur Nancy, who was sae lifted up about her mither's dispute, that naething would sair her but to hae the haill affair mentioned cut and dry. "And did ye cast up to Mrs Todd, mither," quo' the little cutty," that she was fat?"

"Ay, that I did," said Maggy. "I tell't her she was like a barn door. I tell't her she was like the side of a house. Ye're a sow,' quo' I; 'ye get fou every hour of the day wi' your lump of a gudeman.""

But this wasna a'-for nae sooner had Maggy answered her dochter's first question than the cratur was ready wi' anither: "And, mither, did ye cast up to her that her faither was a meeser ?"

"Atweel did I, Nancy," answered the gudewife. "I tell't her a' that. I coost up to her that her faither was a meeser, and would ride to Lunnun on a louse, and make breeks of its skin and candles of its tallow."

I could thole this nae langer. I fand the haill man working within me, and was moved to a pitch of daring, mair like madness, than onything else. Faith, the whisky was of gude service now, and so was Andrew Brand's advice. I accordingly steekit

my neives wi' desperation, threw awa' my cowl, tucked up my sark sleeves

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for my coat happened to be aff at the time-and got up frae the threefooted stool I had been sitting upon in the twinkling of an ee. I trumbled a' ower, but whether it was wi' fear, or wi' anger, or wi' baith put thegither, it would be difficult to say. I was in an awfu' passion, and as fairce as a papist. "And so," said I, “ ye coost up sic things to the honest woman, Mrs Todd! O, Maggy M'Gee, Maggy M'Gee, are ye no ashamed of yoursell?" Odd it would hae dune your heart gude to see how she glowered at me. She was bewildered, and lookit as if to see whether I was mysell, and no some ither body. But her evil speerit didna lie lang asleep : it soon broke out like a squib on the King's birth day, and I saw that I maun now stand firm, or be a dead man for ever. "Has your faither been at the whisky bottle?" said she to her dochter. "He looks as if he was the waur of drink." "He had a glass just before ye cam in," answered the wicked jimpey; and scarcely had she spoken the word, when Maggy flew upon me like a teeger, and gie'd me a skelp on the cheek wi' her open loof, that made me turn round tapwise on the middle of the floor. Seeing that affairs were come to this pass, I saw plainly than I maun go on, no forgetting in sae doing my frien' Andrew's advice, as also my auld master Tam Currie's observe, anent a man hae'ing eneuch of the deil in his temper to keep the deil awa' frae him. So I picked up a' the spunk I had in me, besides what I had frae the drap whisky; and fa'ing to, I gi'ed her sic a leathering, as never woman got in her born days. In ae word, she met wi' her match, and roared aloud for mercy; but this I would on nae account grant, till she promised faithfully that in a' time coming, she would acknowledge me as her lord and maister-and obey me in everything as a dutiful wife should her husband.

As soon as this was settled, in stappit Andrew Brand. At the sight of my wife greeting, and me sae fairce, he held up his hands wi' astonishment. "William M'Gee," quo he, "it's no possible that ye're maister in this house!"

"It's no only possible, but it's true, Andrew," was my answer; and taking

7

me by the hand, he wished me joy for my speerit and success.

Sae far, sae weel: the first grand stroke was made, but there was something yet to do. I had discharged a' outstanding debts wi' my wife, and had brocht her to terms; but I had yet to reduce my bairns to their senses, and show them that I was their lord and maister, as weel as their mither's. Pair things! my heart was wae for them, for they were sairly miseducated, and held me in nae mair estimation, than if I had been ane of my ain wabster lads. So, just wi' a view to their gude, I took down a pair of teuch ben-leather taws, weel burnt at the finger ends, and gi'ed Nancy as mony cracks ower the bare neck as set her squeeling beyond a' bounds. It was pitifu' to see the cratur, how she skipped about the room, and ran awa to her mither, to escape my faitherly rage. But a' assistance frae that quarter was at an end now; and she was fain to fa' down on her knees and beg my forgeevness-and promise to conduct hersell as became my dochter, in a' time coming.

Just at this moment in comes wee Geordie, greeting for his parritch. He kent naething of what had taken place in the house; and doubtless expeckit to mak an idiot of me, his faither, as he had been accustomed to do, almost frae his very cradle. I saw that now was the time to thresh the cor

ruption out of him; and brandishing the taws ower my head, I made a stap forrit to lay hand upon him, and treat

him like the lave. He lookit as if he had an inkling of what was forthcoming, and ran whinging and craiking to his mither, who stood wiping her een wi' her striped apron in a corner of the room. The terrified laddie clang to her knees, but she never offered to lend a helping hand-sae great was the salutary terror wi' which I had inspired her. So I pu'd him awa frae her coats, to which he was clinging; and, laying him ower my knee, I gie'd him hipsy-dipsy in the presence of his mither, his sister, and Andrew Brand, who were looking on.

And thus hae I, who for eighteen years was ruled by my wife, got the upper hand; and ony man who is henpickit, as I hae been, should just take the same plan, and his success will be as sure as mine. Andrew Brand aye said to me that a man should wear his ain breeks; and I can mainteen, frae present experience, that a wiser saying is no to be found in the Proverbs of Solomon, the son of David. No that Maggie has na tried nows and thans to recover her lost power, but I hae on thae occasions conduckit mysell wi' sic firmness, that she has at last gi'en it up as a bad job, and is now as obedient a wife as ye'll meet wi' between this and Bothwell. The twa bairns, too, are just wonderfully changed, and are as raisonable as can be expeckit, a' things considered. Let men, therefore, whether gentle or semple, follow my plan, and the word henpickit, as Andrew Brand says, will soon slip out of the dictionar.

IDINNA think that in a'nature there's a mair curiouser cratur than a monkey. I mak this observe frae being witness to an extraordinar' event that took place in Hamilton, three or four days after my never-to-be-forgotten Battle of the Breeks. Some even gaed the length to say that it was to the full mair curiouser than that affair, in sae far as the principal performer in the ae case was a rational man, whereas in the ither he was only a bit ape. But folk may talk as they like about monkeys, and cry them down for being stupid and mischievous, I for ane will no gang that length. Whatever they may be on the score of mischief, there can be nae doubt, that, sae far VOL. XXII.

as gumption is concerned, they are just uncommon; and for wit and fun they would beat ony man black and blue. In fact, I dinna think that monkeys are beasts ava. I hae a half notion that they are just wee hairy men that canna, or rather that winna speak, in case they be made to work like ither folk, instead of leading a life of idle

ness.

But to the point: I ance had a monkey, ane of the drollest-looking deevils ye ever saw. He was gayan big for a monkey, and was hairy a' ower, except his face and his bit hurdies, which had a degree of bareness about them, and were nearly as saft as a lady's loof. Weel, what think ye that G.

I did wi' the beastie? Odds, man, I dressed him up like a Heelandman, and put a kilt upon him, and a langtailed red coat, and a blue bannet, which for security's sake I tied, wo-, man-like, below his chin wi' twa bits of yellow ribbon. I not only did this, but Í learnt him to walk upon his twa hinder legs, and to carry a stick in his right hand when he gaed out, the better to support him in his peregrinations. He was for a' the world like a wee man in kilts-sae much sae that when Glengarry the great Heeland chieftain, wha happened to be at Hamilton on a visit to the duke, saw him by chance, he swore by the powers, that he was like ane of the Celtic Society, and that if I likit he would endeavour to get him admitted a member of that body. I thocht at the time that Glengarry was jokin, but I hae since had gude reason for thinking that he was in real earnest, as Andrew Brand says that he and the Celts hae been like to cut ane anither's throats, and that he micht mean this as an affront upon them. Hoosomever, I maun do Glengarry the justice to say, that had he got my Nosey (that was his name) made a member, he wadna hae pruved the least witty or courageous of the society, and would hae dune nae disgrace to the chief's recommend ation.

But I am fleeing awa like a shuttle frae the subject on hand. Weel, it turned out in this manner, as ye shall hear. Ae afternoon towards the glomin' I was oblegated to tak' a stap doun to the cross, wi' a web under my arm, which I had finished for Mr Weft, the muslin manufacturer. By way of frolic, a gayan foolish ane I allow, I brocht Nosey alang wi' me. He had on, as for ordinar', his Heeland dress, and walkit behint me, wi' the bit stick in his hand, and his tail sticking out frae below his kilt, as if he had been my flunky. It was, after a', a queer sicht, and, as may be supposed, I drew a haill crowd of bairns after me, bawling out, "Here's Willy M'Gee's monkey," and gi'eing him nits and gingerbread, and makin' as muckle of the cratur as could be; for Nosey was a great favourite in the town, and everbody likit him for his droll tricks, and the way he used to girn, and dance, and tumble ower his head, to amuse them.

On entering Mr Weft's shop, I faund it empty; there wasna a leeving soul within. I supposed he had gane out for a licht; and being gayan familiar wi' him, I took a stap ben to the back shop, leaving Nosey in the fore ane. I sat for twa or three minutes, but naebody made his appearance. At last the front door, which I had ta'en care to shut after me, opened, and I look't to see wha it could be, thinking that, nae doubt, it was Mr Weft, or his apprentice. It was neither the ane nor the ither, but a strong middle-aged, red-faced Heelandman, wi' specks on, and wi' a kilt and a bannet, by a' the world like my monkey's. Now, what think ye Nosey was about a' this time? He was sittin' behind the counter upon the lang three-leggit stool that stood fornent Mr Welt's desk, and was turning ower the leaves of his ledger wi' a look which, for auld-fashioned sagaciousness, was wonderfu to behold. I was sae tickled at the sight that I paid nae sort of attention to the Heelandman, but continued looking frae the back shop at Nosey, lauching a' the time in my sleeve-for I jealoused that some queer scene would tak' place between the twa. And I wasna far wrang, for the stranger, takin' out a pound frae his spleuchan, handed it ower to the monkey, and speered at him, in his droll norlan deealect, if he could change a note. When I heard this I thocht I would hae lauched outricht; and naething but sheer curiosity to see how the thing would end made me keep my gravity. It was plain that Donald had ta'en Nosey for ane of his ain countrymen

and the thing after a' wasna greatly to be wondered at, and that for three

reasons:

Firstly, the shop was rather darkish.

Secondly, the Heelandman had on specks, as I hae just said; and it was likely on this account that he was rather short-sighted; and

Thirdly, Nosey, wi' his kilt, and bannet, and red coat, was, to a' intents and purposes, as like a human creatur as a monkey could weel be.

Nae sooner, then, had he got the note, than he opened it out, and lookit at it wi' his wee glowrin', restless een, as if to see that it wasna a forgery. He then shook his head like a doctor, when he's no very sure what's wrang wi' a per

son, but wants to mak' it appear that he kens a' about it-and continued in this style till the Heelandman's patience began to get exhausted.

"Can ye no shange the note, old shentleman?" quo' Donald. Nosey gi'ed his head anither shake, and lookit uncommon wise.

"Is the note no goot, sir?" spak the Heelandman, a second time; but the cratur, instead of answering him, only gi'ed anither of his wise shakes, as much as to say, "I'm no very sure about it." At this Donald lost temper. "If the note doesna please ye, sir," quo' he, "I'll thank ye to gie me it back again, and I'll gang to some ither place." And he stretchit out his hand to tak haud o't, when my frien' wi' the tail, lifting up his stick, lent him sic a whack ower the fingers as made him pu' back in the twinkling of an ee.

"Got tamn ye, ye auld scounrel," said the man; "do ye mean to tak my money frae me?" And he lifted up a rung big eneuch to fell a stot, and let flee at the monkey; but Nosey was ower quick for him, and, jumping aside, he lichted on a shelf before ane could say Jock Robinson. Here he rowed up the note like a baw in his hand, and put it into his coat pouch like ony rational cratur. Not only this, but he mockit the Heelandman by a' manner of means, shooting out his tongue at him, spitting at him, and girning at him wi' his queer outlandish physionomy. Then he would tak haud of his tail in his twa hands, and wag it at Donald, and steeking his nieves, he would seem to threaten him wi' a leatherin'. A'thegither he was desperate impudent, and eneuch to try the patience of a saunt, no to speak o' a het-bluided Heelandman. It was gude for sair een to see how Donald behavit on this occasion. He raged like ane demented, misca'ing the monkey beyond measure, and swearing as mony Gaelic aiths as micht hae sair'd an ordinar man for a twalmonth. During this time, I never steer'd a foot, but keepit keeking frae the back shop upon a' that was ganging on. I was highly delighted; and jealousing that Nosey was ower supple to be easily catched, I had nae apprehension for the event, and remained snug in my birth to see the upshot.

In a short time in comes Mr Weft,

What note, honest man ?" said Mr Weft.

"Got tamn," quo' Donald;" the note the auld scounrel, your grandfa ther, stole frae me."

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My grandfather!" answered the ither wi' amazement. "I am thinking, honest man, ye hae had a glass ower muckle. My grandfather has been dead for saxteen years, and I ne'er heard tell till now that he was a fief.”

"Weel, weel, then," quo' the Heelandman, "I don't care naething about it. If he's no your grandfaither, he'll be your faither, or your brither, or your cousin."

"My faither, or my brither, or my cousin!" repeated Mr Weft. "I maun tell ye plainly, frien', that I hae neither faither, nor brither, nor cousin of ony description, on this side of the grave. I dinna understand ye, honest man, but I reckon that ye hae sat ower lang at the whisky, and my advice to ye is to stap awa hame and sleep it aff."

At this speech the Heelandman lost a' patience, and lookit sae awfully fairce, that ance or twice I was on the nick of coming forrit, and explaining how matters really stood; but curiosity keepit me chained to the back shop, and I just thocht I would bide a wee, and see how the affair was like to end.

'Pray, wha are you, sir ?" said Donald, putting his hands in his sides, and looking through his specks upon Mr Weft, like a deevil incarnit. "Wha are you, sir, that daur to speak to me in this manner?"

"Wha am I?" said the ither, drapping the remnant of the paper, which was burnin' close to his fingers, "I am Saunders Weft, manufacturer in Hamilton-that's what I am."

"And I am Tonald Campbell, piper's sister's son to his grace the great, grand Tuke of Argyle," thundered out the Heelandman, wi' a voice that was fearsome to hear.

"And what about that?" quo' Mr Weft, rather snappishly, as I thocht. "If ye were the great, grand Duke of Argyle himsell, as ye ca' him, I'll no permit you to kick up a dust in my shop."

"Ye scounrel," said Donald, seizing

Mr Weft by the throat, and shaking him till he tottered like an aspen leaf, "div ye mean to speak ill of his grace the Tuke of Argyle?" And he gi'ed him anither shake-then, laying haud of his nose, he swore that he would pu't as lang as a cow's tail, if he didna that instant restore him his lost property. At this sicht I began to grew a' ower, and now saw the needcessity of stapping ben, and saving my employer frae farther damage, bodily and itherwise. Nae sooner had I made my appearance than Donald let go his grip of Mr Weft's nose, and the latter, in a great passion, cried out, "William MGee, I tak ye to witness what I hae sufferit frae this bluid-thirsty Heelandman! It's no to be endured in a Christian country. I'll hae the law of him, that I will. I'll be whuppit but I'll hae amends, although it costs me twenty pounds!"

"What's the matter?" quo' I, pretending ignorance of the haill concern. "What, in the name of Nebuchadnezzar, has set ye thegither by the lugs?" Then Mr Weft began his tale, how he had been collared and weel nigh thrappled in his ain shop;-then the ither tauld how, in the first place, Mr Weft's grandfather, as he ca'd Nosey, had stolen his note, and how, in the second place, Mr Weft himsell had insulted the great, grand Duke of Argyle. In a word, there was a desperate kick-up between them, the ane threeping that he would tak the law of the ither immediately. Na, in this respect Donald gaed the greatest lengths, for he swore that, rather than be defeat, he wad carry his cause to the house of lords, although it cost him thretty pounds sterling. I now saw it was time to put in a word.

"Houts-touts, gentlemen," quo' I, "what's the use of a' this clishmaclaver? Ye've baith gotten the wrang sow by the lug, or my name's no William M'Gee. I'll wager ye a pennypiece, that my monkey Nosey is at the bottom of the business."

Nae sooner had I spoken the word, than the twa, looking round the shop, spied the beastie sitting upon the shelf, girning at them, and putting out his tongue, and wiggle-waggling his walking stick ower his left elbow, as if he had been playing upon the fiddle. Mr Weft at this apparition set up a loud

lauch: his passion left him in a moment, when he saw the ridiculous mistake that the Heelandman had fa'en into, and I thocht he would hae bursted his sides wi' evendown merriment. At first Donald lookit desperate angry, and, judging frae the way he was twisting about his mouth and rowing his een, I opined that he intended some deadly skaith to the monkey. But his gude sense, of which Heelandmen are no a'thegither destitute, got the better of his anger, and he roared and lauched like the very mischief. Nor was this a', for nae sooner had he began to lauch, than the monkey did the same thing, and held its sides in preceesely the same manner, imitating his actions, in the maist amusin' way imaginable. This only set Donald alauching mair than ever, and when he lifted up his nieve, and shook it at Nosey in a gude humoured way, what think ye that the cratur did? Odds man, he took the note frae his pouch, whare it lay rowed up like a baw, and, papping it at Donald, hit him as fairly upon the nose, as if it had been shot out of a weel-aimed musket. There was nae resisting this. The haill three, or rather the haill four, for Nosey joined us, set up a loud lauch; and the Heelandman's was the loudest of a', showing that he was really a man of sense, and could tak a joke as weel as his neighbours.

When the lauchin' had a wee subsided, Mr Campbell, in order to show that he had nae ill wull to Mr Weft, ax'd his pardon for the rough way he had treated him, but the worthy manufacturer wadna hear o't. "Houts, man," quo' he, "dinna say a word abou t'it. It's a mistak a'thegether, and Soloman himsell, ye ken, whiles gaed wrang." Whereupon the Heelandman bought a Kilmarnock nichtcap, price elevenpence happeny, frae Mr Weft, and paid him wi' part of the very note that brocht on the ferly I hae just been relating. But his gude wull didna end here, for he insisted on takin' us a'-Nosey amang the lave-to the nearest public, where he gi'ed us a frien'ly glass, and we keepit tawking about monkeys, and what not, in a manner at ance edifying and amusing to hear.

A MODERN PYTHAGOREAN.