For the whisper of the west, I will plait a roof of rashes For the low place of my sleeping, Crooning, croodling, laughing, weeping, Till the angels' glory blinds me, No Lack of Practice A widower who was married recently for the third time, and whose bride had been married once before herself, wrote across the bottom of the wedding invitations: "Be sure to come; this is no amateur performance." The Freshman Surprised The college president was entertaining a freshman at dinner, when the conversation turned upon football. To the student's surprise, the president displayed a thorough familiarity with the game, and proceeded to discuss it as earnestly as though it had been Greek or mathematics. Indeed, his treatment of the topic brought out so many points that the freshman had overlooked that the youth was moved to remark to his hostess: "Well, this talk with President Blank has showed me how true it is that we never meet anyone from whom we can't learn something." Fanny Squeers' Tea-party* Arranged by Theodora Ursula Irvine. BY CHARLES DICKENS. SCENE I. A TEA-ROOM IN THE SQUEERS HOME. FANNY SQUEERS. MATILDA PRICE... JOHN BROWDIE... Tutor, trying to escape Fanny NICHOLAS NICKLEBY.. (Enter Matilda Price and Fanny Squeers.) Fanny-Where's John, 'Tilda? Matilda-Only gone home to clean himself. He will be here by the time the tea's drawn. Fanny-I do so palpitate. Matilda-Oh, I know what it is. Fanny I have not been used to it, you know, 'Tilda. Matilda-You'll soon get the better of it, dear. Fanny (setting tea things on table)-There he is! Oh, 'Tilda! Matilda-Hush. Hum! Say, come in. (Enter Nicholas Nickleby) Nicholas Good evening. I understand from Mr. Squeers that Fanny-Oh, yes; it's all right. Father don't tea with us, but you won't mind that, I dare say (archly). Oh, pardon me (giggling). Miss Price, Mr. Nicholas Nickleby. Nicholas (bowing low)-Pleased, I'm sure. Fanny (peering into tea-pot)-We are only waiting for one more gentleman. (Nicholas walks to window and sighs) Matilda-What a sigh! You seem in rather low spirits, Mr. Nickleby, but if it's caused by my being here don't mind me a bit, for I'm quite as bad. You may go on just as you would if you were alone. *Scene from "Nicholas Nickleby," by Charles Dickens. Fanny (blushing)-'Tilda, I am ashamed of you! (The two friends burst into giggles, and glance at Nicholas who is first astonished, then amused, and laughs heartily.) Nicholas (aside)-Well, as I am here, and seem expected, for some reason or other, to be amiable, it's of no use looking like a goose. I may as well accommodate myself to the company. (Business of offering ladies chairs at table with great gallantry. Seats himself, much at home.) (Small talk of table) (Enter John Browdie) Matilda-Well, John?— John-Weel. Fanny I beg your pardon-Mr. Nickleby, Mr. John Browdie. John-Servant, sir. Nicholas (eating bread and butter hungrily)-Yours to command, sir. John (after several grins, with mouth full)—Old wooman awa', bean't she? (Nicholas and Browdie both eat eagerly) John (after staring at Nicholas a long time)-Ye wean't get bread and butther ev'ry neight, I expect, mun. (Nicholas affects not to hear) John-Ecod! they dean't put too much intiv 'em. Ye'll be most but skeen and boans if you stop here long eneaf. Ho! ho! ho! Nicholas-You are facetious, sir. John-Na, I dean't know, but t'other teacher, 'cod he wur a lean 'un, he wur. (Laughs immoderately, wipes eyes on coat cuffs.) Nicholas (in a towering rage)—I don't know whether your perceptions are quite keen enough, Mr. Browdie, to enable you to understand that your remarks are offensive, but if they are, have the goodness to Matilda (stopping John's mouth)-If you say another word, John, only half a word, I'll never forgive you, or speak to you again. John (kissing her)—Well, my lass, I dean't care about 'im; let 'im gang on, let 'im gang on. Fanny (affecting alarm and horror)-O please, Mr. Nickleby, don't quarrel with him. Dear Mr. Nickleby, for my sake. (The men shake hands gravely across the table. Miss Squeers is overcome and sheds tears.) Matilda-What's the matter, Fanny? Fanny (sobbing)-Nothing 'Tilda. Matilda-There never was any danger, was there, Mr. Nickleby? Nicholas-None at all. Absurd. Matilda (whispering to Nicholas)—That's right, say something kind to her, and she'll soon come around. Here! Shall John and I go into the little kitchen and come back presently? Nicholas (alarmed)-Not on any account. What on earth should you do that for? Matilda (beckoning him aside, and speaking contemptuously)-Well, you are a one to keep company. Nicholas What do you mean? I am not a one to keep company at all-here at all events. I can't make this out. Matilda-No, nor I neither, but men are always fickle, and always were, and always will be; that I can make out very easily. Nicholas Fickle! What do you suppose? You don't mean to say that you think— Matilda (peevishly)-Oh, no, I think nothing at all. Look at her, dressed so beautiful and looking so wellreally, almost handsome. I am ashamed of you. Nicholas-My dear girl, what have I got to do with her dressing beautifully or looking well? Matilda-Come, don't call me a dear girl, or Fanny will be saying it's my fault. (Aloud) Come, we're going to have a game of speculation. (Going over to John.) Fanny (looking shyly at Nicholas)-There are only four of us, so we had better go partners, two against two. Matilda-What do you say, Mr. Nickleby? Fanny (hysterically)-Mr. Browdie, shall we make a bank against them? John (apparently overwhelmed by Nicholas' impudence)-I will. (All sit) Nicholas (playing)-We intend to win everything. Fanny (maliciously)-'Tilda has won something she didn't expect, I think, haven't you, dear? Matilda-Only a few points, love. Fanny (sneering)-How dull you are to-night. Matilda-No, indeed, I am in excellent spirits I was thinking you seemed out of sorts. Fanny (biting her lips)-Me! Oh, no! Matilda That's well. Your hair's coming out of curl, dear. Fanny (tittering)-Never mind me, you had better attend to your partner. Nicholas-Thank you for reminding her. So she had. Matilda (coquettishly)-I never had such luck, really. It's all along of you, Mr. Nickleby, I think. I should like to have you for a partner always. Nicholas I wish you had. Matilda-You'll have a bad wife, though, if you always win at games. Nicholas-Not if your wish is gratified. I am sure I shall have a good one in that case. (Long pause) Nicholas-We have all the talking to ourselves, it seems. Fanny-You do it so well that it would be a pity to interrupt, wouldn't it, Mr. Browdie? He! he! he! Nicholas-Nay, we do it in default of having anybody else to talk to. Matilda-We'll talk to you, you know, if you'll say anything. Fanny (majestically)-Thank you, 'Tilda, dear. Matilda-Or you can talk to each other if you don't choose to talk to us. John, why don't you say something? John-Say summat? Matilda-Ay, and not sit there so silent and glum. John (striking the table heavily with his fist)-Well, then! What I say 's this: Dang my boans and boddy if I stan' this ony longer. Do yo gang whoam wi' me, and do yon loight an' toight young whipster, look sharp out for a broken head, next time he cums under my hond Matilda (in affected astonishment)-Mercy on us, what's all this? John (sternly)-Cum whoam, tell 'e, cum whoam. (Fanny Squeers bursts into shower of tears) Matilda-Why, here's Fanny in tears now. What can be the matter? |