duct is nothing more nor less than trimming, and all trimmers ought to be trimmed in their turn, and fo they will be, take my word for it.-'T is enough to make people mad, to hear people talk to people about pleafing people, that, of all people in the world, are the laft people that people fhould ever think about pleafing at all. [Exit in a buff. Paragraph. So, here am I in a precious fituation, withing to offend nobody, and, from the documents in my hand, and the words I have heard with my ears, in a very fair way of offending every body. Enter Mr. TOTHERSIDE. Totherfide.-Mighty well, Mr. Paragraph-mighty well indeed-And fo thofe are your ariftocratic frolics -to hide the light under a bufhel-and fuffer the glorious triumph of the fons of liberty to lie in cold. obftruction and to rot."-Why, Sir, we gave you a theme for the pen of a Juvenal-you might have, lafhed tyranny, aristocracy, corruption, flavery, and all the vices and abufes which we now deplore, and all without comment-all by one plain, homefpun, fimple narrative, "That the votaries of freedom and the rights of man bore down all before them at the county meeting."-Nothing more!-That the greatest worthies, the most exalted characters ftepped forth upon this glorious occafion, and fnatched the golden opportunity to enforce the caufe of all mankind; the cause of all the world as well as that of England; and that none but rogues, rascals, and raggamuffins attempted to oppofe them!-Could not you have faid that ?Was your heart fo narrow, that it could not open fo wide as that?It would not have broke in the stretching, would it? But I fee how it is; you and your partner, and gazetteering brother chip, are all of the fame block: but we fhall do you up yet-we will have a free, independent, patriotic paper, without a Minifter's muzzle upon it, coft what it will; and then you you may wish too late, that you had taken up the LITERARY IMPLEMENTS OF WAR. [From the Morning Chronicle] MR. EDITOR, AS pamphlets are allowed to be a very proper weapon wherewith to attack the enemy, although reckon. ed too sharp and dangerous in domeftic difputes, give me leave to exprefs a wifh that the belligerent powers would agree to lay afide the ufe of all other implements of war, and try the effect of one or two literary campaigns. It would be but fair, as the French are said to have done every thing by pamphlets, to try our strength with them at their own weapon; and, as this country is bleft with a multitude of writers, I have no doubt we fhould ultimately be fuccefsful. Nor would this be fo very harmless an employment as fome people may imagine, who are partial to the teterrima belli. No army of foldiers that ever I heard of can exceed controverfial writers, in acrimony, violence, fpleen, malice, envy, and all uncharitableness, not to speak of wounding reputations, and killing characters in cool ink. I would therefore propofe, that the authors of each 'country be formed into battalions, furnifhed with proper ammunition, and that they be drilled in the new Grub Street manual exercife, and taught to difcharge with quicknefs and precifion their Hints," Effays, Confiderations, both cool and warm; Thoughts, - Difquifitions, Letters, Inquiries, Apologies, Replies, Animadverfions, Laft Words, More Laft Words, and other ball cartridges, from the great ordnance office at Stationers' Hall. It would be a great thing, Sir, to hear that a fortrefs, befieged in vain by a train of artillery, had H 5 yielded yielded to the force of rhetoric, and that the best fortified town in Italy had furrendered to the Socratic method, when that of Vauban and Cohorn had failed; that ships were towed into our harbours by fyllogifms, and that Europe was delivered to a demonftration, and the King of France had afcended his throne with no other guards than a few fimple propofitions. To the profe authors might be added a light infantry company of poets, whofe Songs, Odes, Sonnets, and Epigrams might clear the fireets for an approaching army, and line the walls for their reception. Some might take their station in the theatres, and dramatize the audience into royalty, with a corps of prologues to act as pioneers, and of epilogues to bring up the rear. It is not likely that any great refiftance could be made to fuch a combination of powers. It may be an objection to my plan, that both 'governments have of late prohibited pamphlets as mifchievous. I am forry to be obliged to differ from them in this opinion; I cannot think pamphlets more dangerous than mufkets, or that we ought to be as much afraid of a corps of authors as a fquadron of horfe. But independent of this, it is a confideration of no fmall moment in thefe days, that my scheme would be attended with a great diminution of our national expenfes. A prefs is much eafier kept up than a fleet; authors have been always worfe paid than generals; and we can bring out a new edition more expeditiously than we can raise a new army. Befides, let us think what a dignity and importance it would give to our vehicles of intelligence; instead of being, like the London Gazette, a dry detail of events, they would rank among the most argumentative works in the land. They would record that the Directory had been fairly written down, that the new republics had been reafoned back to the ftatus quo, that the court of Berlin had at length taken a hint, and that the complete defeat of Maffena and Joubert was now in the prefsa press, and would speedily be published, price only eighteen-pence! In propofing this fcheme, likewife, I have fome. eye to the interefts of literature. It pains me to fee fo many ftout and able writers, who might be ferving: their country, wafting their precious time upon the Siege of Troy, the Tunnel under the Thames, Greek Particles, Green Spectacles, Calvinism, the Cow-pox, Ireland's Shakespear, and Suwarrow's Humanity. I am, Sir, your humble fervant, A SCHEMER. I A SECOND LETTER IN CONTINUATION. [From the fame.] MR. EDITOR, HAD scarcely finished my former letter, propofing the trial of a literary campaign, when I happened to take up one of our periodical journals, in which I find ftated as a fact, that there are in Germany alone no less than fix thoufand authors! a number fo great, that I almoft repented my having fent you my plan; for, according to it, a government that has fix thoufand authors at its beck, might well aim at univerfal empire. What, indeed, might not be effected by fuch a legion, furnished with proper ftationary and other typographical ammunition, and commanded by leaders experienced in the tactics of publication? This country, I am afraid, would not yield muchabove as many hundreds; and although that might appear a very confiderable force, efpecially if ained to the use of octavos, yet as one German dramatist has been allowed to beat half a dozen English ones, I am afraid the balance of power would be against us, unless the politics of the court of Vienna affumed a more decided form, and thofe troops be brought to bear against H 6 against the common enemy which are now employed in fupporting the fair at Leipfic. I ftill think, however, that my scheme of fheathing the fword, and trying the effect of the quill, is, a feafible one: or, if it cannot be tried alone, why may not authors be embodied as a fupplemental force to armies? Previous, for example, to a battle, why may not the enemy be firft attacked by throwing in a quantity of pamphlets, to convince them of the folly of bloodfhed and of prolonging the war? For this purpofe, what so apropos and fo handy, as the many able writings lately iffued from our prefs in favour of the doctrines of paffive obedience and non-refiftance? And when you confider the yet greater number of writers who have demonftrated that the happiness of France muft depend on manarchy, it will appear as wonderful to you as to me, that the gates of Paris have not ere now turned upon their own hinges, and that we are still obliged to confefs, that it is more difficult to march our forces into that city, than to enter them at Stationers' Hall. The fault, Sir, lies with the refpective governments. They dread authors, their power, and their influence. Strange! that they fhould acknowledge that ftates have been overthrown by the labours of the pen, and not at the fame time fee that they may be rebuilt by the fame means. If the power of authors be formidable, why not turn it to the advantage of the ftate? Can any one fuppofe that authors are not to be hired and paid as well as foldiers? Would not a contract with a pen-cutter be as profitable as with a gunpowder-merchant? Surely the neighbourhood would be in lefs danger of a blowup. In every view of the matter, the danger would be lefs, and, what is of as much importance, and which I hinted in my laft, the expenfe. To prove this, let any man compare the ordnance estimates with the ftationer's bill. Let the expenfe of stitching pamphlets be compared |