that omnium had rifen confiderably in the courfe of the day, he would be laughed at as an incorrigible blockhead, and nobody would understand him; but when he fays, it left off at 7, it is plain how the cafe ftands. Now, my dear friend, let thefe critics only adopt our fcale, and you will find the merits of a play or player will be placed on the moft diftinct and intelligible ground. For example, instead of reprefenting the progrefs of a performer by the vulgar degrees of comparifon, good, better, beft, say at once, that Quick began at 58, and left off at 651; that the critics did Murray for the opening at 61, but that he rofe before the curtain dropped to 67; that another performer, by various reports from the country, had been raised to 70, but that he fell in one day no less than eight per cent.; that a comedy had begun at 621, fluctuated very much in the courfe of the evening, and left off at 50. You fee, my dear Dangle, how plain all this is. You might, likewife, confider a manager who announces, by extravagant puffing, a new piece, as a bear, who pretends to fell what he is not poffeffed of, and is obliged frequently to waddle out at a great lofs, his delightful comedy at 70 being often reduced as low as a farce of 49. Kotzebue-all the world, you know, are bulis of Kotzebue; he, I fay, as we have nothing to give in return, may be deemed a fpecies of Imperial loan, and done accordingly. Viewing matters in this light, I flatter myfelf that I have a more correct idea of dramatic merit than the most enlightened of our critics, and am often enabled to detect falfe accounts. I have frequently been told of a performer rifing wonderfully, when to my certain knowledge he never got beyond 52, and very few clappers at that. There are fome very venturefome fellows among them, who affect to have large concerns, and yet, egad! are feldom able to pay the first inftalDramatic dealers in nominal stock are not

ment.

quite fo lucky as with us-But let that pafs-This is my way of judging plays and players, and I know no other fo correct. Were it once introduced, we fhould understand one another better. It is nonfenfe to talk of rifing and falling. There is no rifing and falling but at the Stock Exchange that can be clearly understood. When I am told that Kemble rofe two per cent. in the fourth act of Hamlet, I know directly what is meant, as he left off at 793, in To be or not to be. But fome actors, I am forry to fay it, manage their stock fo badly, that in the course of a season they don't vary an eighth per cent. and generally leave off just where they began. I have only to add, that this ratio would be of great fervice, at the end of a feafon, to the bolders of tickets, which I have often feen hawked about the Garden, at a lofs of ten or twelve per cent."

My friend Jonathan having explained his fcheme fo particularly, I do not think it neceffary to add any comments of my own, but fubmit it to the better Judgment of your readers, and am, Sir,

Yours fincerely,

DANGLE.

MUSICAL CONVENIENCES.

[From the Times.]

WHAT a mufical age we live in, Mr. Editor! Every individual is now a performer, and every family a band; and the proprietors of the mufic-fhops, as in duty bound, omit no opportunity to increase the prevailing rage. Going over a mufical warehouse the other day, the property of my ingenious friend Mr. Sonatino Humftrum, inftrument-maker and mufic-feller, I was furprised to fee fo many fide-boards, commodes, and dreffing-tables." Blefs me!" faid I, "friend

VOL. III.

E

"friend Humftrum, how is this? Is the mufic trade fallen off, and do you take up the trade of a cabinetmaker?"

"Good! good!" anfwered my friend, laughing heartily: "what are you taken in too? Cabinetmaker, indeed! that's a good joke. Why, man, thefe are all piano-fortes in the fhape of fide-boards, dreffing-tables, and fo forth, for the convenience of fmall rooms."

"Indeed!"

"Indeed! now can any thing be more convenient? For you must know that we in the city are fo fond of giving concerts, that want of room is never confidered as any objection; our mufic-rooms are no bigger than clofets, and you would fuppofe the band and the audience placed by a clever packer, rather than a master of ceremonies. Now, you perceive, as people must have fide-boards and dreffing-tables, and fo forth, I have contrived to make pianos of them."

"A very pretty contrivance, indeed, Mr. Humftrum! and yet I am fo much of the old-fashioned way of thinking, that I fhould not like to be taken in fo. When I go to a fide-board for a bottle of wine, or a plate of cakes, I fhould not like to be put off with an old fong. Your finging fide-boards may have very pretty tones, but give me the jingling of glaffes, Mafter Humftrum.”

"Ah! you are a wag, Mafter Squaretoes: but look here; what do you think that is?"

“I am afraid to fay, left I betray my ignorance.” "Why then I'll tell you. That is a fort of piano which may be carried about, and played in a coach." "In a coach!-Why, who the - wants to play in a coach? An't it enough to have our ears stunned with would-be players, but you muft frighten the horfes too? Played in a coach! Well, that is a good joke. What! I fuppofe when one takes a long

fhilling's

fhilling's-worth you may play preffimo infide, while the coachman is at the old-fashioned andante, or actof-parliament trot, five miles an hour."

"But here are greater improvements yet, Master Squaretoes, which I fhall announce to the world as foon as I have made à fufficient quantity for the public demand, which I know will be immenfe-Look here; what do you take that to be?"

"Why, according to my eyes, it fhould be a fofa."

"And fo it is, an organized grand piano forte fofa; that is the proper name, for here you fee" (lifting up the cover)" is the inftrument, which may be played by a fick perfon.".

"A fick perfon-O! that is a choice contrivance-What! I fuppofe you have got some piano pillows and mufical bolfters too, eh! for the bid-ridden CognoJuenti ?"

"I have some thoughts of that, too-but look you here, another inftrument for the bed-room

"Ay! and a very proper one, and a very old one, too-one of Bramah's, an't it?"

"Something upon the fame plan; but look here--" "Aftonishing! What, have you got mufic there too? Well, I have heard of whiftling to horfes-" "Hold your profane tongue-do but liften—(plays) Tink, tink, a tink, a tink, &c. &c. Can you play

at all?"

"Not in that way, thank you-and fo good morning, my very ingenious friend"-and good bye to you, Mr. Editor.

HUMPHREY SQUARETOES.

IT

MR. EDITOR,

[From the Morning Chronicle]

Tis difficult to be heard amidst the din of public clamour; and therefore, as I was hiffed down at our parish meeting, I have taken the liberty to fend to you the fubftance of what I intended to have spoken.

Without, Sir, entering on the question of modification of Mr. Pitt's bill, or confidering how far it may be rendered more palatable, I fhall only fay that I am fully convinced it is in the pooreft perfon's power to pay the triple taxes propofed, merely by a retrenchment of his prefent expenditure. And although I could prove that fuch a retrenchment ought to be extended to many articles, fuch as furniture, drefs, c. &c. yet I fhall confine my felf to one only, namely, diet.

I fhall confider this, as it is fubdivided into two parts, eating and drinking, and fhall prove that there can scarcely be any perfon who has it not in his power to fave as much in thofe two articles as will be quite fufficient to fatisfy the triple-tax-gatherer.

And first, Sir, of DRINKING, which I place uppermoft because I know it has long been uppermott with our wife and virtuous Minifters; I hold it to be an incontrovertible maxim, that water is the only fluid that ever ought to pafs down the throat of man. Every physician and philofopher will agree with me in this, and alfo, that, if water were the only beverage, more than half of the diseases which depopulate the earth, or make the lives of men miferable, would not be known. Now, then, Sir, only confider that by taking to water only we fave the expenfe of beer, ftrong and small, all wines and fpirits. I leave you to judge what the amount of this would be per annum; and proceed,

Secondly,