SIR,

THE ART OF MAKING EXCUSES.

[From the Monthly Beauties.]

TO THE EDITOR.

ALTHOUGH there is not a more useful accom plishment in genteel life, than the art of making excufes, I don't recollect that it has ever been made the fubject of a popular effay, or that any rules have been laid down to render it more familiar "to the meanest capacities." I am the more furprised at this, because, independent of its great utility, it is an art very difficult to acquire, and moft people, I believe, are difpofed to allow that bungling excufes are very common things, and at the same time very difgraceful, and easily detected.

There is fcarcely an hour in our lives, that we do not find it neceffary to offer an excufe, either for fomething we have done, or for fomething we have not done; for fomething we have neglected to begin, or fomething we have forgot to complete; for fomething required of us, or fomething which we fhouldhave required of others.

In my youth I was strictly admonished never to be without an excufe, but to put a good face upon the matter, and always to have fomething to fay for myfelf. On these three points the whole excufatory or apologetic art depends. Nor was I long engaged in bufinefs or pleasure (for these are now generally mixed in pretty decent proportions) before I found how ufeful it was to play the one against the other; and between the two, I affure you, Sir, I have not been without an excufe for the laft thirty years. Indeed there are no men who can so easily contrive excufes as men of trade, if hey will but unite pleasure with it. The contending demands of these oppofites is a fine fource

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fource of apologies. Even trade itself affords us no fmall fupply of admirable put-offs; but then you know, Sir, one would not always plead business, left it might be thought vulgar and mechanical.

In writing letters, for inftance, what an inexhaustible excufe have we in the going out of the poft? This will anfwer either for our neglecting to write at all, for writing too briefly, or for writing unintelligibly. Of many thoufand letters I have received in my time, I do not recollect above a dozen which did not conclude with thefe irrefragable words: "But as the poft is just going off, I remain, &c. &c." What a convenient thing it is, and what a happy choice of time and circumftances, to write always "just as the poft is going out," to fold up one's letter to the melody of his horn; and hurry it into his bag with an air of confequential buftle and expeditious importance! What a faving of time and labour, thus to poftpone a thing, until labour becomes useless, and time cannot be permitted!

It is commonly fuppofed that the emptiness of our churches on a Sunday morning, proceeds from the infidelity and irreligion of the age, from abfolute contempt, or wilful negligence.-Let me do the age juftice-This is not the cafe; for I have put the queftion a thousand times to fome friends of mine (who, by the by, have a thousand times given me the opportunity); but they always had an excufe ready which stopt my mouth : "The hair-dreffer did not come at the hour appointed." This, Mr. Editor, I would have you attend to. It is one of the boldest strokes in the whole art of excufing, and although performed every Sunday in the year, with unbounded applaufe, will, I verily believe, never tire or be worn out. Thus you fee, Sir, there are two forts of men who do infinite mischief to his Majefty's liege fubjects. The poftmen hinder them from writing their letters, and

the

e hair-dreffer fpoils their devotion. And when we nsider that postmen are actually in the pay of Governent, and that hair-dreffers are at least connived at der our conftitution, all opposition is in vain, and erefore we must allow that these excuses are exceedgly good.

But poftmen and barbers are not the only inftruents of delay, parents of procraftination, and begets of apologies. Taylors and fhoemakers, a very eful body of men, are, I am forry to say it, to incur wery great fhare of blame. My fon cannot ftep as as the Bank or the Cuftom-house, because his new ots are not come home; and my dinner has often en spoiled, because the taylor forgot to put a fcarlet be on the coat of one of my principal guests. One tleman cannot take a ride, because his buckskin eches are not ready, and another, because his are gone to be cleaned. Happy is it for us, Sir, that can draw excufes from matters fo easily compre. aded, and which every body must allow to be pro:; for who can fit down in company without a coat, take a ride in the indecent garb of a fans culotte? My wife, as worthy a woman as lives, is a remarke proficient in excufes, whether at home or abroad. hen we fee company, all her conversation at dinner ftring of excufes, followed by a proportional coltion of compliments from our friends. And, what ly fometimes provokes me not a little (though I not fay any thing), fhe will make as many exes for a dish that is on the table, as for the absence >ne which it was not in her power to prefent, and ternally contending, by every excuse she can invent, there is not a thing worth eating, even while fhe ramming the guests with every thing, and they are wering her importunities by doing ample justice to feaft.

When she is to go out with me, she finds a hundred

excufes for being too late. The gown the must w wants airing; fhe can't find her gloves, though the fearched the whole houfe for them, that is, every pl where they were not to be found; and when all been adjusted, the discovers that there is a small re almost invisible, in the fouth-eaft corner of her ha kerchief: these are internals. Now for externa the fervant is just gone for a coach, and confequen is not yet returned, or is returned, and there is coach on the stand; then Will is defired to go, and one at any rate; and after all, it is well if we get i the coach without tearing part of the flounce, forgett the fan, or difcompofing the architectural regula of a curl.

It was but last week we made up a party of pleaf to go up to Hampton. Two ladies were detained the aforefaid hair-dreffer, the extent of whofe mifch is not confined to Sundays only. One gentlema horse had been blooded that morning, and he was go to hire or borrow another. A fecond had fome v particular bufinefs, but he would overtake us in h an hour. My fon had not finished a bill of parc which I bid him write out two days before. T gentleman who was the first mover of our expediti had fuch a violent headach, that it was thought nec fary he fhould "take fomething," and his brother very agreeable man, was feized fo violently, that was thought neceffary he fhould "part with fom thing." In this crippled ftate, two hours after time appointed, our party fet out; but with the f gularly comfortable reflection, that every body able had fent very good excufes. Ifhould mention, tha very violent rain joined our party on the road; ↑ only thing for which no excufe was offered.

Í have fometimes thought, Mr. Editor, though w fubmiffion, that this art of excufing, when carried t far (for every thing may be carried to an extrem

trefpa

affes a little on the art of making fomething that is effed by a very unpolite monofyllable, which I fore fupprefs. My acquaintance, John Rattle,, one of the ableft apologifts I ever knew, affured hat he had no recollection of having, in any one nce, been without an excufe. Judging of Jack's, t by my own (and I believe our genius is pretty, h upon a par), I could not help fuggefting to him, evening, that I did not fee how he was able to mplish all this without a little of you know "No, no, my dear boy," answered Jack, it a lie, no, no, I fcorn that-only a kind of white a fort of bounce-you understand me?" I know Jack will be engaged to dine at three places, and content himself with a mutton-chop at home. n follows a ftring of excufes; to one, he was ged to go into the country;" to another," he was ged to wait at home for a country gentleman ;" and third," he was fo fuddenly feized with the tooth-, that he was obliged to fend for his furgeon, juft as was going to drefs, who above all things infifted that hould not expofe himfelf to the air."

ack's character, however, in spite of his great skill the art of excufing, is a little tainted. The pleafure is company occafions it to be in high demand, and s ever ready with a faithful promife; but no perwho has the leaft knowledge of him, expects that will keep his appointment. Some of his friends, are tender of his honour, often beg that he will give it under his hand that he will fulfil his engagent, but choofe rather to leave it as a debt of honour, hout any valid fecurity. The confequence is, that, erever Jack appears, he difappoints expectation; when he keeps his word, it is generally concluded t fomething very extraordinary must have happened. The only other branch of the apologetic art, which hall touch upon in this letter, is the art of forgetting.