And of

me, is a position so entirely contrary to all the notions I can entertain of the Deity, that I cannot think of it without horror, much less can I believe and give assent to it. 3. Penal, then, this corruption must be, as death and diseases are. what can it be a punishment, if not of Adam's sin? While those things are so plain in fact, and the deduction from them so easy, whatever subtle arguments any may use to overthrow this truth, I have no reason to be much shaken or moved with them, or call the truth in question. If once I am sure, that God hath done a thing, there is no room left for disputing its equity. I am sure, I was corrupt from my infancy. I am sure, God could not have made me so without cause, or sent me into the world in such a case, if it had not been for some fault wherein I am concerned. If there is any attempt to charge God on this account, I look upon it as highly injurious. There is nothing left for me in this case, but humbly to endeavour to clear God of any seeming hardship. If we cannot easily do this, then I will much rather acknowledge my ignorance, and stoop under his incomprehensibility, than lay any charge of injustice against him. This has upheld my soul against the most subtle arguings of men of perverse minds, and even of Satan, who hath oft assaulted me in this matter. Be their argu

ments what they will," Behold, in this they are not just: I will answer thee, that God is greater than man. Why dost thou strive against him? he giveth not account of his matters.

For

That he may

withdraw man from this, (among other evil purposes, of measuring God by his short line,) and hide pride from his eye."

Hence, also, I am taught what estimate to make of the pretendedly good and virtuous inclinations with which some are, by Deists and Pelagians, alleged to be born. If it be not in those few and rare instances of the early efficacy of sanctifying grace, all that which is looked on as good is really no more but the fruit of education, custom, occasional restraints, freedom from temptation, or perhaps a natural temper, influenced by some of those, and by the constitution of the body, to somewhat of opposition to those grosser actings of sin, which make the most noise in the world. In a word, whatever there is of this, except in the rare instances before mentioned, is but sin under a disguise. The difference is not great. The one sort of sinners seem to promise good fruit, but deceive; whereas the openly profane give a plain refusal, and forbid expectations. And yet of this last sort more receive the gospel than of the former: "But what think ye? A certain man had two sons; and he came to the first, and said, Son, go work to-day in my vineyard. He answered and said, I will not: but afterward he repented, and went. And he came to the second, and said likewise. And he answered

Whether of

and said, I go, Sir; and went not. them twain did the will of his father? They say unto him, The first. Jesus saith unto them, Verily I say unto you, that the publicans and the harlots go into the kingdom of God before you.”

PART II.

AN ACCOUNT OF THE RISE, PROGRESS, INTERRUPTIONS, REVIVALS, AND ISSUES, OF THE LORD'S STRIVINGS WITH ME, DURING THE TEN OR ELEVEN ENSUING YEARS OF MY LIFE, FROM MAY, 1685, TO AUGUST, 1696.

CHAPTER I.

An Account of the first rise of my Concern about Religion, its Results, Revivals, and other occurrences relating thereto, for the first two years of this time.

In the month of May 1685, my mother being by the heat of the persecution, obliged to retire to Holland, I went along with her." While we were at sea, being in some real or apprehended danger, my conscience, which had for all the by-past ten years, so far as I can now remember, been fast asleep, began to awaken. I was convinced of sin, terrified with the apprehensions of hell and death, and the wrath of God, which, before I was brought to this distress, I had no thought about: "They have turned their back unto me, and not their face; but in the time of their trouble they shall say, Arise, and save us."

All this concern was nothing more than a sad mixture of natural fear, and a selfish desire of preservation from the danger that was, at least by me, supposed imminent. Peace, acceptance, communion with God, came not much into my thoughts. I was afraid and unwilling to die. I would gladly have been out of danger of hell. This was all my exercise at this time. It was not sin, but death its consequence, I was concerned to be rid of: "Then Pharaoh called for Moses and Aaron in haste, and said, I have sinned against the Lord your God. Now, therefore, I pray thee, forgive my sin only this once, and entreat the Lord your God, that he may take away from me this death only."

As this exercise was wholly selfish, without any concern for the Lord's glory, so it led me to selfish courses for relief. I promised, that, were I at land, I would live and be better than formerly: I engaged to keep all God's commands. My mother told me, I was in a mistake, and would not hold there. But of this, there was no persuading one so ignorant of his own heart, as I at this time was. I multiplied engagements, and doubted not myself as to the performance: "And the people answered, God forbid that we should forsake the Lord, to serve other gods. And Joshua said unto the people, Ye cannot serve the Lord; for he is an holy God. And the people said unto Joshua, Nay, but we will serve the Lord."

No sooner was I come to land, and fixed at Rotterdam, than I verified what had been foretold. I forgot all my promises and resolutions.

The un

renewed and corrupt heart being free from the restraint put upon it by the natural conscience, under appearance of hazard, took its old course. I returned to former evils, and grew worse. Corruption, that had been confined for a little, having easily forced down all these mounds raised to hold it in, run with the greater violence. It is true, through the mercy of God, I was still restrained from open scandalous sins; towards which the awe of my godly and prudent mother, and the principles of education contributed not a little. But as to secret evils of all sorts, I had no aversion to them; nay, to many of them I was strongly inclined, and in many instances followed my own inclinations. I was a ready and easy prey to every temptation, notwithstanding all my engagements: "And thou saidest, I will not transgress, when upon every high hill, and under every green tree, thou wanderest, playing the harlot."

My sins, in this place, had this grievous aggravation, that they were against greater light, and more of the means of grace, than I had formerly enjoyed. On the Lord's day, we had three sermons and two lectures in the Scots church; on Thursday, a sermon there likewise. On Tuesday, one of the suffering ministers by turns preached. There was a meeting for prayer on Wednesday. On Monday and Friday nights, Mr. James Kirkton commonly lectured in his family. On Saturday, he catechised the children of the Scots sufferers who

came to him. My mother took care to make me attend most of these occasions; was careful to keep