Ser. And Mr. Puff, sir, has sent word that the last rehearsal is to be this morning, and that he'll call on you presently. Dang. That's true-I shall certainly be at home.-[Exit SERVANT.]-Now, Sir Fretful, if you have a mind to have justice done you in the way of answer, egad, Mr. Puff's your man. Sir Fret. Psha! sir, why should I wish to have it answered, when I tell you I am pleased at it? Dang. True, I had forgot that. But I hope you are not fretted at what Mr. Sneer Sir Fret. Zounds! no, Mr. Dangle; don't I tell you these things never fret me in the least? Dang. Nay, I only thought Sir Fret. And let me tell you, Mr. Dangle, 'tis damned affronting in you to suppose that I am hurt when I tell you I am not. Sneer. But why so warm, Sir Fretful? Sir Fret. Gad's life! Mr. Sneer, you are as absurd as Dangle: how often must I repeat it to you, that nothing can vex me but your supposing it possible for me to mind the damned nonsense you have been repeating to me!—and, let me tell you, if you continue to believe this, you must mean to insult me, gentlemen—and, then, your disrespect will affect me no more than the newspaper criticisms—and I shall treat it with exactly the same calm indifference and philosophic contempt― and so your servant. [Exit. Sneer. Ha ha! ha! poor Sir Fretful! Now will he go and vent his philosophy in anonymous abuse of all modern critics and authors. But, Dangle, you must get your friend Puff to take me to the rehearsal of his tragedy. Dang. I'll answer for't, he'll thank you for desiring it. But come and help me to judge of this musical family: they are recommended by people of consequence, I assure you. Sneer. I am at your disposal the whole morning :—but [ thought you had been a decided critic in music as well as in literature. Dang. So I am-but I have a bad ear. I'faith, Sne r, though, I am afraid we were a little too severe on Sir Fretful-though he is my friend. Sneer. Why, 'tis certain, that unnecessarily to mortify the vanity of any writer is a cruelty which mere dulness never can deserve; but where a base and personal malignity usurps the place of literary emulation, the aggressor deserves neither quarter nor pity. Dang. That's true, egad!-though he's my friend! SCENE II-A Drawing-room in DANGLE'S House. MRS. DANGLE, SIGNOR PASTICCIO RITORNELLO, SIGNORE PAS TICCIO RITORNELLO, INTERPRETER, and MUSICIANS disco vered. Interp. Je dis, madame, j'ai l'honneur to introduce et de vous demander votre protection pour le Signor Pasticcio Ritornello et pour sa charmante famille. Signor Past. Ah! vosignoria, noi vi preghiamo di favoritevi colla vostra protezione. I Signora Past. Vosignoria fatevi questi grazie. 2 Signora Past. Si, signora. Interp. Madame-me interpret.-C'est à dire-in English -qu'ils vous prient de leur faire l'honneur Mrs. Dang. I say again, gentlemen, I don't understand a word you say. Signor Past. Questo signore spiegherò Interp. Oui-me interpret.-Nous avons les lettres de recommendation pour Monsieur Dangle de Mrs. Dang. Upon my word, sir, I don't understand you. 3 Signora Past. Si, padre, et Miladi Fugue. Interp. O!-me interpret.-Madame, ils disent-in English -Qu'ils ont l'honneur d'être protégés de ces dames.—You understand? Mrs. Dang. No, sir,-no understand! Enter DANGLE and SNEER. Interp. Ah, voici, Monsieur Dangle! All Italians. Ah! Signor Dangle! Mrs. Dang. Mr. Dangle, here are two very civil gentlemen trying to make themselves understood, and I don't know which is the interpreter. Dang. Eh, bien ! [The INTERPRETER and SIGNOR PASTICCIO here speak at the same time.] Interp. Monsieur Dangle, le grand bruit de vos talens pour la critique, et de votre intérêt avec messieurs les directeurs à tous les théâtres Signor Past. Vosignoria siete si famoso par la vostra conoscenza, e vostra interessa colla le direttore da Dang. Egad, I think the interpreter is the hardest to be understood of the two! Sneer. Why, I thought, Dangle, you had been an admirable linguist! 321 Dang. So I am, if they would not talk so damned fast. Sneer. Well, I'll explain that—the less time we lose in hearing them the better-for that, I suppose, is what they are brought here for. [Speaks to SIGNOR PASTICCIO-they sing trios, &c., Dangle beating out of time.] Enter SERVANT and whispers Dangle. Dang. Show him up.-[Exit SERVANT.] Bravo! admirable! bravissimo! admirablissimo!-Ah! Sneer! where will you find voices such as these in England? Sneer. Not easily. Dang. But Puff is coming.-Signor and little signoras obligatissimo!-Sposa Signora Danglena-Mrs. Dangle, shall I beg you to offer them some refreshments, and take their address in the next room. [Exit MRS. DANGLE with SIGNOR PASTICCIO, SIGNORE PASTICCIO, MUSICIANS, and INTERPRETER, ceremoniously. Ser. Mr. Puff, sir. Re-enter SERVANT. Dang. My dear Puff! Enter PUFF. Puff. My dear Dangle, how is it with you? [Exit. Dang. Mr. Sneer, give me leave to introduce Mr. Puff to you. Puff. Mr. Sneer is this?-Sir, he is a gentleman whom I have long panted for the honour of knowing-a gentleman whose critical talents and transcendent judgment Sneer. Dear sir Dang. Nay, don't be modest, Sneer; my friend Puff only talks to you in the style of his profession. Sneer. His profession! Puff. Yes, sir; I make no secret of the trade I follow: among friends and brother authors, Dangle knows I love to be frank on the subject, and to advertise myself vivâ voce.—I am, sir, a practitioner in panegyric, or, to speak more plainly, a professor of the art of puffing, at your service-or anybody else's. Sneer. Sir, you are very obliging!-I believe, Mr. Puff, I have often admired your talents in the daily prints. Puff. Yes, sir, I flatter myself I do as much business in that way as any six of the fraternity in town.-Devilish hard work all the summer, friend Dangle,-never worked harder! But, hark'ee,—the winter managers were a little sore, I believe. Dang. No; I believe they took it all in good part. Puff. Ay! then that must have been affectation in them: for, egad, there were some of the attacks which there was no laughing at ! Sneer. Ay, the humorous ones. But I should think, Mr. Puff, that authors would in general be able to do this sort of work for themselves. Puff. Why, yes-but in a clumsy way. Besides, we look on that as an encroachment, and so take the opposite side. I dare say, now, you conceive half the very civil paragraphs and advertisements you see to be written by the parties concerned, or their friends? No such thing: nine out of ten manufactured by me in the way of business. Sneer. Indeed! Puff. Even the auctioneers now-the auctioneers, I say— though the rogues have lately got some credit for their language -not an article of the merit theirs : take them out of their pulpits, and they are as dull as catalogues !—No, sir; 'twas I first enriched their style-'twas I first taught them to crowd their advertisements with panegyrical superlatives, each epithet rising above the other, like the bidders in their own auctionrooms! From me they learned to inlay their phraseology with variegated chips of exotic metaphor: by me too their inventive faculties were called forth :-yes, sir, by me they were instructed to clothe ideal walls with gratuitous fruits-to insinuate obsequious rivulets into visionary groves-to teach courteous shrubs to nod their approbation of the grateful soil; or on emergencies to raise upstart oaks, where there never had been an acorn; to create a delightful vicinage without the assistance of a neighbour; or fix the temple of Hygeia in the fens of Lincolnshire ! Dang. I am sure you have done them infinite service; for now, when a gentleman is ruined, he parts with his house with some credit. Sneer. Service! if they had any gratitude, they would erect a statue to him; they would figure him as a presiding Mercury, the god of traffic and fiction, with a hammer in his hand instead of a caduceus.-But pray, Mr. Puff, what first put you on exercising your talents in this way? Puff. Egad, sir, sheer necessity!—the proper parent of an art so nearly allied to invention. You must know, Mr. Sneer, that from the first time I tried my hand at an advertisement, my success was such, that for some time after I led a most extraordinary life indeed! Sneer. How, pray? Puff. Sir, I supported myself two years entirely by my misfortunes. Sneer. By your misfortunes! Puff. Yes, sir, assisted by long sickness, and other occasional disorders; and a very comfortable living I had of it. Sneer. From sickness and misfortunes! You practised as a doctor and an attorney at once? Puff. No, egad; both maladies and miseries were my own. Sneer. Hey! what the plague! Dang. 'Tis true, i'faith. Puff. Hark'ee!-By advertisements-To the charitable and humane! and To those whom Providence hath blessed with affluence! Sneer. Oh, I understand you. Puff. And, in truth, I deserved what I got! for, I suppose never man went through such a series of calamities in the same space of time. Sir, I was five times made a bankrupt, and reduced from a state of affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes: then, sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice burned out, and lost my little all both times : I lived upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs : that told very well; for I had the case strongly attested, and went about to collect the subscriptions myself. me. Dang. Egad, I believe that was when you first called on Puff. In November last ?-O no; I was at that time a close prisoner in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable consumption. I was then reduced to O no-then, I became a widow with six helpless children, after having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left every time eight months gone with child, and without money to get me into an hospital! Sneer. And you bore all with patience, I make no doubt ? Puff. Why, yes; though I made some occasional attempts at felo de se; but as I did not find those rash actions answer, I left off killing myself very soon. Well, sir, at last, what with bankruptcies, fires, gouts, dropsies, imprisonments, and other valuable calamities, having got together a pretty handsome sum, I determined to quit a business which had always gone rather against my conscience, and in a more liberal way still to indulge my talents for fiction and embellishments, through my |