But if you name a quack a quack,
By law of libel you are flayed.

The ace of spades you deem an ace,
No legal terrors then you brave;
But 'tis with cards alone the case,
That you may call a knave a knave."

On a Briefless Barrister :

"If to reward them for their various evil,
All lawyers go hereafter to the Devil,

So little mischief thou dost from the laws,
Thou'lt surely go below without a cause."

On the statue in Clement's Inn of a negro supporting a sun-dial :

"In vain, poor sable son of woe,

Thou seek'st the tender tear;
For thee, alas! it still must flow,
For mercy dwells not here.
From Cannibals thou fled'st in vain,

Lawyers less quarter give:

The first won't eat you till you're slain,

The last will do't alive."

"The law decides questions of Meum and Tuum,
By kindly arranging to make the thing Suum."

"When we've nothing to dread from the law's sternest frowns,

How we smile at the barristers' wigs, bands, and gowns; But no sooner we want them to sue or defend,

Than their laughter begins, and our mirth's at an end."

By Jekyll:

"The sergeants are a grateful race;

Their dress and language show it:

Their purple robes from Tyre we trace,

Their arguments go to it."

On a part of St. Mary's Church at Oxford being converted into a law-school :—

"Yes, yes, you may rail at the Pope as you please,
But trust me that miracles never will cease.
See here an event that no mortal suspected!
See Law and Divinity closely connected!

Which proves the old proverb, long reckon'd so odd,
That the nearer the church the farther from God."

Seven good things requisite before going to law: —
"Dear Tom, take advice, nor commit a faux pas;
As you travel through life, never get into law:
The odds are against you a million to one,
'Tis a horse to a hen that you're quickly undone;
And if there's no help, and to law you must go,
Indispensables seven 'tis fit you should know.
And first you'll be wise to reflect well and pause,
And be sure, ere you stir, you have a good cause.
Like your cause, your attorney should also be good —
A sine qua non —
- it is well understood.

Your jury besides must be good and not packed,
And by a good counsel your cause must be backed:
A good witness and staunch, too, you'll certainly need;
If in this point you fail, Tom, you cannot succeed.
To make all secure, ere an inch more you budge,
You'll be lost if you haven't a very good judge.
These are six needful things; yet fast you'll be stuck,
And still lose your cause, if you haven't good luck.”

"He clenched his pamphlets in his fist,
He quoted and he hinted,

Till in a declamation mist,

His argument he tint it;

He gaped for't, he grasped for't,
He found it was awa', man;

But what his common sense came short,
He eked out wi' law, man."

The Dying Lawyer : —

"Old Quillit, his race upon earth almost run, Thus sagely advised his too diffident son:

'Like a true limb of law, would you live at your ease, Ne'er boggle on any side, lad, to take fees;

Keep clear of a noose, though you merit to swing, And be sure to sell justice for what it will bring.''Sell justice!' retorted his wondering heir, 'A thing of such value, so precious, so rare, The cement of society, honour's best band Sell justice?'-'Ay, sell it, and that out of hand, You extravagant rascal! If 'tis as you say, A thing of such price, would you give it away?'' On a Briefless Barrister, recovered from illness :— "On his sick-bed as Simple lay, —

The hopeless youth was heard to say,
'How cruel to be snatched away,

And die without a cause!'

Jove, pitying, hears: his gracious nod
The youth from death reprieves.
Yet, with submission to the god,
His case is still extremely odd,
Without a cause he lives."

A Verbal Distinction:

"A counsel once of talents vain,

A Quaker rudely treated,

Who often in his story plain
The word 'also' repeated.

'Also!' said Brief, with sneering wit,
'Won't likewise do as well?' —
'No, friend; but if thou wilt permit,
Their difference I will tell.

'Scarlett's a counsel learned, we know,
Whose talents oft surprise:
Thou art a counsel, friend, also,
But surely not like-wise.""

From the Latin of Bocchius:

"Alexander in judgment was sitting one day,
And was seen with his right ear attention to pay
To the plaintiff, but purposely block up the way
To the left with his finger. Said he
To his retinue, asking him why this was done,
'My other ear, sure, if the plaintiff gets one,
The defendant's a right to have free.""

The next two are from " Satyricall Epigrams," compiled by Henry Hutton, 1621 :

An Action of the Case:

"Shouldring a minstrell in a lane I broke

His violl's case by an unlucky stroke;

Who swore he would complaine, to vent his grudge.
And what care I what any law will judge?

For why I will maintaine it face to face,

'T can be no more but th' action of the case."

In Causidicum :

"Causidicus wears patch'd cloathes, some bruit,
And must do so, for he has nere a suite.”

"Ten pence recovered! ten pounds spent in cost!
You say I've gained my suit: I say I've lost."

Two of a trade :

“How fitly joined, the lawyer and his wife!

He moves at bar, and she at home, the strife.”

I translate the next epitaph from the French of Borde:

"Here lies a law solicitor profoundly wise,

Who seventy years to pillage others' goods descended. He mourns, if from the other world he recognize

That you read free of charge these lines for him intended."

From the Greek of Lucillius:

"I lost a little pig, an ox, a goat,

For which you, Menecles, received a groat,
In small retainer- neither I nor these
Have aught in common with Orthryades:
My thieves I trace not to Thermopylæ;
Against Eutychides is this our plea:

Why Xerxes bring again on Grecian grounds?
And Lacedaemon with my loss confound?
The facts, the law, or else I raise loud cries

So Menecles! - the rest my pig supplies."

The above reminds us of Martial. The next two are from the Greek of Agathias:

"Blind to law's use and wont. Fool! not to know

That we to men corrupt must judgment owe:

Thou boasted thy shrewd eloquence, whose fire
Knows in best words right issue to inspire.