6

BACKWARD GLANCING.

first day of my beholding him as the dawningtime of my love?

"Properly speaking, I had not thus far lived; for what is the life of childhood, if it be not joy and gladness; and where had I known anything of the light heart, the gay thoughts, the fancyings and dreamings, peculiar to the young? I had existed—dwelt among miserable specimens of humanity, among people whom my soul loathed, if it did not hate them, among the idiots, the crazed, the poor besotted wretches the world had east out of love and reverence,’ justified in so doing. I, too, had, in some way, found myself thrown into that last decent resort of the miserable—a bit of weed, of nothingness, conscious only of misery, and a child’s fear, undefined and foolish (for what more than I knew was there to fear? was not absolute horror around me? was I not in constant solitude, though among so many?); and there I lived, neglected, abused, fearing all things, hoping nothing, enjoying nothing, not even the thought that there was anything to be enjoyed—disgusted with all around me, yet ignorant of aught beyond—consciously degraded, wholly forlorn. And still, with all this overflowing of the childlife (and not so much child-life as spirit-life) within me, with all this capacity for suffering,

THE CHILD-HEART.

7

this wondering and dread, this wakeful soul, this thoughtfulness, this desire, THIS LIFE—a mere non-entity in the world!

“He came there with his mother. She brought him to satisfy his curiosity; he had never been in a poorhouse, and, desire once pointing that way, he would not rest till she went with him, that he might see the strange human beings living there, of whom he had heard so much. I remember I sat away from the children who were playing in the ill-kept, disorderly yard. I was so miserable; everything had gone wrong with me that day; I was tired and sick, for I had been at work, and they had scolded me for my laziness; and now, when my task was done, I felt too weary, too full of bitterness, to join in the sports of more careless, and, for the time certainly, happier children. I watched the boys and girls while they played and quarrelled, but it was with indifference. I felt no interest in their games, and could not for the life of me laugh with them; but had they wept, any of them, I could have joined heartily in the ‘exercise.’ I do not exaggerate; I know how utterly wretched I was. My misery was not of the understanding, but of the heart.

"While I sat there, a beautiful Newfoundland dog dashed into the yard. For a moment,

8

SPIRITUAL COMMUNICATION.

he joined the boisterous young ones in their sport, and then came up to me, and stood beside me, and afterward he stretched himself at my feet. There was nothing extraordinary in all this, but I had never seen anything in dog-shape before, except those dirty, yelping, half-starved curs belonging to the house, and this splendid creature was like a new evangel to me. I could have told what Love meant then, or, if I could not have told, I should have known. Had any one asked me, I might not have answered in words, but would not a reply meet and sufficient have been given by the way I patted the animal’s head, when his great pitying eyes fixed on me, and by the strange confidence with which (being not repulsed), I slipped from my bench into the unshaded sunshine, to fling my arms around the noble creature? I could have wept, but did not, yet how my desolate heart grew with a sudden affectionate interest and impulse toward the animal which could only, yet how fully thus, return my confiding affection in his glances.

"A few minutes, then the owner of the dog came whistling to the door of the house. The creature started up (he knew his master coming, but did not move toward him), and showed his recognition merely by the quick wagging of his tail, and a majestic movement of the head. So

the boy came from the door, and crossed the dusty, sun-cracked, unsodded yard, to the place where I stood. He came up close to me, and I could not resist saying:—

"Is this your dog?'

"Yes,' he replied, and so kindly! I had never heard a voice like that. ‘Do you like dogs?'

"I love this dog.'

"D0n’t you keep them here?' he asked, looking around.

"I might have said properly not of this sort.’ But I did not know then, that there were any other kind than brute dogs, and so I answered, 'No.'

66

“Then, I distinctly remember, he asked me what we children did there; about our living in the poorhouse, and a multitude of questions such as children only can think of. At last, he said quite solemnly, and looking fixedly at me, 'Are you a happy little girl?’

There

"I do not remember that I had ever heard the word before, but I knew what it meant. are many expressions which need no translation, even for the most ignorant; they are so thoroughly imbued with their idea—and if that idea chance to have been the haunting one of our life, we need not ask, ‘What mean you?’ when

10

THE SIGNIFICANCE OF WORDS.

another gives it shape. I could not answer him, could only look upon him, wondering why he should have asked me. Then I felt the tears gathering in my eyes- the human, thinking, questioning child affected me more deeply than the glorious beast could. I turned away, for I did not like that well-dressed, handsome boy to see me weep; was that a manifestation of mere foolish pride, my soul?

"I did not speak to him again, nor he to me, only once to say, 'Good-by, little girl, I wish you could go home with me.’ He said this as he went to meet his mother, who stood on the doorstep calling him. I heard his sweet, kind voice pleading with her a moment, then the hall-door was shut; the silence following that sound encouraged me to look up again, and the strangers were gone. A little while after, I heard carriagewheels rattling out of the yard, and I knew then, more thoroughly than ever before, what desertion and desolateness mean.

"I doubt if any mortal could ever be, under any circumstances, certainly I never since have been, so utterly wretched, as I was, when I felt myself alone, that day after Weare had gone. I wept until both tears and strength were exhausted, then a deep, bitter, and dreadful feeling entered into, and took full possession of my soul. Some might