THE DISAGREEABLE SURPRISE. ACT I. SCENE I.-The Inside of a Country Inn near Bath; different bells ringing; general bustle. Enter PAUL Prig, L. Prig. Quite a day of rejoicing this ;-all the bells are a ringing! What with fat citizens, dandy doctors, strolling players, young ladies who run away from their papas, and young gentlemen who run away from their creditors,-all who prefer hot water at Bath to hot water at home ;-I, Paul Prig, lead a pretty bustling life of it. [Bell rings.] There goes the bell in the parlour again. [Voice without.] And there goes Mrs. P.'s clapper in the bar! [A voice without cries, "Who waits here?] You do, my fine fellow, by your bellowing. Coming, coming. AIR.-Prig. Who'd lead an innkeeper's life? Who'd be a horse in a mill? Who'd ever marry a wife, That loves to be quiet and still? Wedlock has comical rigs! Clappers I've heard, aye, and many ones ! But pretty Penelope Prig's Is louder and shriller than any one's. [Exit, L. Enter JEREMY, R. Jer. Smoking work! Sixteen miles an hour upon the long trot. Chaise knocked over, horses knocked up. Confound this love, say I: it may be pretty sport for a gen tleman; but for us servants, 'tis the very devil! Whenever I leave the captain, I'll get into some steady married family, where love is entirely out of the question. Why, host! landlord! waiter! Prig! Enter PRIG, L. Prig. Coming, your honour, coming. Prig. No, sir; there's been a sad revolution in affairs: that head is taken off; and my wife Penelope is the only bore in the house. Jer. A bad sign, Mr. Prig. Prig. Damn'd bad! I found one sign would'nt do, so I determined to have twelve. Jer. The deuce you did! Prig. Yes; the Zodiac, at your service, sir. Jer. I should have taken you for the landlord of the Bull and Mouth, by your chattering. Can't you stand still a moment? Prig. Nothing stands still here, but the clock. I hope you are not in a hurry to set off. Jer. No; but I'm in a hurry to set to. Prig. Then you'll find "the feast of reason and the flow of soul !" Jer. Sole! I don't much care for fish. Give me something substantial. Prig. Food for body and mind ;—a library and a larder. Bacon in both! Hervey's Meditations and Harvey's Fishsauce. [Bell rings.] Gad so! That's the giantess in the first floor. Jer. The giantess! Prig. Puts up here, on her way to Bath. Seven feet two; carries herself extremely high: proud as a peeress ! Jer. So it appears! Prig. We've a dwarf, not bigger than a quart decanter ! Great attraction! A fire-eater, a queer spark; a travelling showman, who prefers my punch to his own, any day in the week; an alderman, an elephant, a dancing master, and a dancing bear; a merry Andrew, a sad dog! a quaker, a quack doctor, a party of strolling players, a member of parliament of no party at all! An undertaker from Bury-Street, a pastry-cook from Pie Corner, a waddling stock-jobber from Duck-Lane, and a pastoral poet from Hungerford-Market! Jer. Ha! ha! ha! A motley collection! But, Mr. Prig, don't you perceive something very peculiar in my appearance? Prig. [Aside.] Going to pose me in Lavater; but I'm up. Why, to be sure, there's something devilish keen about you. Jer. You never guessed better in your life. "Tis my appetite! Prig. Glad to hear it. What will you say to some partridges ? Jer. Why grace, to be sure! I thought I smelt something good. Prig. Should'nt wonder; been endeavouring to keep 'em sweet for this month past. [Bell rings.] Coming! "Tis well that hunger is the best sauce; for, egad, he'll get no other to his partridges! [Exit, L. Jer. A notable adventure! My master, Captain Wing'em, meets Miss Maria Testy at a ball in London, falls desperately in love with her, and takes a wild-goose trip to Bath; where she at present resides with her father, Sir Timothy. If Cupid travels at this rate, the Lord keep me from being one of his out-riders! Enter CAPTAIN WING'EM, R. Capt. Here we are, within the last stage of Bath. Come, Jeremy, be stirring;-consider the impatience of love. Jer. And of hunger, too! If your honour can live upon air, I can't; for it's apt to raise the wind in my stomach. Capt. Glutton! What the deuce have you to complain of? Jer. A multitude of things! Since you have been in love, you are no more like the man you were than a squib is like a cannon. I too have had my declensions. Am I not grown as lean as a halbert in your service, a downright transparency? Hav'nt we followed the lady about like her shadow, till we have become nearly shadows ourselves? What hope have we of better fortune at Bath than in London; when, as if to cut off every chance of success, Sir Timothy has added another Argus to his household, in the person of Mrs. Dorothy Dunstable, whom he has placed over his daughter, as a scarecrow, to frighten away the birds from forbidden fruit ! Capt. Love is blind, Jeremy. Suppose you throw dust in her eyes, by paying court to this venerable Maid of Honor Jer. Or rather, from her remaining so iong single, this B venerable lady in waiting! Why, sir, you surely forget my old sweetheart Flora, Miss Maria's waiting maid. Capt. A lucky thought! You have already a footing in the house. Jer. Footing indeed! I was well nigh kicked out of it: -but the game's up. We've had a tiff. Madam took it into her head to be jealous, and gave me a box on the ear. Capt. That was one way of offering you her hand! We must think of some new scheme; so, order the horses, that we may instantly proceed on our journey. Jer. The horses! the partridges first, if you please, captain. Ah! sir, I wish you would think no more of the lady; she is a sad interruption to our regular meals. Capt. Think no more of her! Impossible! AIR-CAPTAIN WING'EM. By those cheeks of rosy hue, Hear my vows address'd to thee, [Exit, R. Beauty must be won by Art! Bolts and bars their charge resign, Touch'd by that magic wand of thine. LExit, R. Enter BILLY BOMBAST, through a door at the back of the Bomb. Scene. The dinner's almost dress'd; And as my nostrils sniff the savory steam, 66 Its fragrance whets my appetite! [Comes forward. Here's a catastrophe! After an absence of six long months, to meet my old companions of the sock and buskin in this village. My soul's in arms, and eager for the fray!" My master, Sir Marmaduke Metaphor, expects me to join him at Bath. Prudence says, "follow him ;" but what says Inclination? "To stroll, to starve!" Down, busy devil, down. Now for my red-nos'd innkeeper. Hah! Is that a bell-rope which I see before me; Enter PRIG, L. Prig. Hollo! gently over the stones. Gadzooks, how the bells keep going! Coming, coming. Bomb. Go, bid thy mistress, when the dinner's ready, She strike upon the bell. Prig. I tell you what, Mr. Bombast, if my wife catches you at that sort of fun, she'll strike with a vengeance; she's a mortal antipathy to gentlemen of your cloth. Bomb. What makes the players so much out of her books, Mr. Prig? Prig. Out of her books! They are too much in 'em! Bomb. Trust me, good host. Prig. Trust you! How can you expect to be trusted, when you say at the bottom of your play-bills, No money to be returned. Bomb. Saddle my horses, call my train together. Degen'rate landlord, I'll not trouble thee! Prig. What, your waggon-train, I suppose! and your horses, ha ha! ha! Why, the devil a saddle have they got to their backs! It's my opinion, Mr. Bombast, that you want to saddle me. Enter MRS. Prig, R. Mrs. P. And so, Mr. Prig, you stand prating here, and leave me to wait upon the customers: there's Sir Matthew and Lady Marrowfat, and all the young masters and misses Marrowfats, just arrived from Saint Mary Axe. Bomb. The Marrowfats from St. Mary Axe! Fair is foul, and foul is fair. Mrs. P. And very good fare too. Fowl, indeed! You'll get no fowl here, I promise you. P Prig. Penelope, my dear, that's not classical. Mrs. P. Farcical, Mr. Prig. Prig. Be pretty behaved; mind your P's and Q's, Mrs. Mrs. P. Here's impertinence! Here's assumption! Are you a man, Mr. Prig? Are you a man? Bomb. Aye, and a bold one, that dare look on that But I'll be revenged. I'll quit your house, and go to the |