Enter on opposite sides, ALWORTH and PHANTASM.

Alw. "Tis not far off: I'll ask this gentleman.Can you instruct me, sir, where the great lady, Aurelia Mammon, lives?

Phan. Yes, sir, I can.

Alw. Pray do me the civility.
Phan. Have you

Affairs with her, my friend in black?

Alw. Have you

Relation to the lady, sir?

Phan. She owns me

A gentleman-usher. With your pardon, sir,
Are not you inclining to a scholar?

Alw. I have spent time i' the Academy.
Phan. The Academy! another beggar.-I
Did think so by your serious face; your habit
Had almost cozen'd me, and your hair; they are
Of the more court edition.—This is

A beggar of the upper form of learning.

Your business with my lady?

Alw. If you please

To prepare my access

Phan. 'Tis to no purpose;

My lady keeps no library, no food

[Aside.

For book-worms, [sir,] I can assure you that.

Learning is dangerous in our family;

She will not keep a secretary, for fear
Of the infection.

Alw. Does she keep no fool?
Phan. Yes, yes, and knaves.
Alw. I thought so;

In which class is your name, I beseech you?
Phan. We enjoy equal privileges; indeed the knave
Makes somewhat more of's office; but my lady
Is not so nice; so we can bring certificates
That we are sound, and free from the infection
Of books, or can lay down our understandings,
And part with that unnecessary stuffing

I' the head, (you know my meaning,) or renounce
The impious use of human art and knowledge,
We are in a capacity of employment:

Perhaps you may, on these terms, be admitted
With your philosophy, and things about you,
To keep her horse; do you observe?

Alw. A fair preferment.

Phan. The fittest here for men of art; or if You can keep counsel, and negotiate handsomely The amorous affair of flesh and blood,

There you may exercise your parts of rhetoric-
How lies your learning that way? 'tis an office
Many grave persons have submitted to,

And found it a smooth path to court preferment;
But she is here, I'll leave you to your fortune.

Enter AURELIA MAMMON.

Mam. With me? your business?

[Exit.

Alw. The lady Honoria, madam, by me humbly

Presents her service, and this

Your ladyship.

Some borrowing letter.

paper to

Mam. The lady Honour! 'tis

Alw. This is not civil.

Mam. I am so haunted with this mendicant
Nobility!-at every ebb of fortune,

I must be troubled with epistles from them.
What's here? [reads.]-You are a scholar.
Alw. I have studied

The arts.

Mam. Your lady writes as much, and would

To my employment; but I want no chaplain.
Alw. If you did, I cannot flatter, madam.
Mam. I have known wiser men converted by
Preferment.

Alw. They were things that had no souls;
Or use of that bright entelecheia
Which separates them from beasts.
Mam. I did expect

Hard words, and do commend the pure discretion
Of your most learned tribe, that think themselves
Brave fellows, when they talk Greek to a lady;
Next to the Goth and Vandal, you shall carry
The babble from mankind. Pray tell your lady,
Learning is out of fashion in my family.

Alw. Why should you be an enemy to arts? The lamps we waste, and watches that consume Our strength in noble studies, are ill paid

With this disdain; your smile would make us happy, And, with your golden beam, strike [a] new day Through learning's universe.

Mam. You but lose your time;

I know you are writing some prodigious volume
In praise of hunger, and immortal beggary:
This may in time advance you to a pedant,'

to a pedant, &c.] The lady Mammon is pleased to be facetious at the expense of the poor schoolmaster, and parson. One of the crying enormities, however, in the evil days in which this was written, was the scandalous rapacity of the patrons of church livings, who never failed to stipulate with the incumbent for the greater part of the value to themselves. This practice grew up with the Long Parliament.

To whip the town-tops; or [a] gelded vicarage, Some forty marks per annum, and a chambermaid, Commended by your patron.

Alw. You are not worth

My anger, I should else

Mam. What, my sweet satire?

Alw. Present your ladyship with a glass, a true

one,

Should turn you wild to see your own deformity.
Mam. I prithee rail:-now for a storm-
Alw. I will not lose my temper on such a trifle.
[Exit.

Enter FULBANK and MASLIN.

Mam. But here are two come timely, to disperse All cloudy thoughts, my diligent daily waiters. Ful. Now poetry be my speed! my noblest

mistress!

Mam. What have you there, dear master Fulbank?

Ful. Lines, that are proud to express your beauty, madam.

Mam. Bless me! turn'd poet? I must tell you,

servant,

Nothing in nature is more killing to me.
Ful. Umph!

1 see my lady Mammon is no wit.

[Aside.

Do you think I made them? I have an estate, madam.
Mam. I know you have fined for alderman.
Ful. They were a foolish scholar's o' the town;
And I made my address to be confirm'd

In

your opinion, they were wretched things, And like the starv'd composer. The nine Muses, I have read, madam, in a learned author, Were but a knot of travelling, tawny gipsies, That liv'd by country canting, and old songs, And picking worms out of fools fingers, which Was palmistry, forsooth! and for Apollo, Whom they call'd father, a poor silly piper,

That kept a thatch'd house upon cuckold's hill,
Not far from Helicon, or old Bride-well,
Where he sold switches, till his hut was burn'd
One night by a tinker's nose, that lay in straw there;
And he, for loss of this poor tenement,

Ran mad, from whence came all the mighty stir
Of that, which we now call poetic fury.
Mam. 'Tis very likely.

Mas. Madam, by your leave,

I am a countryman-what should a man lie for ?—
I ken no college learning, but I have

Been whipp'd for Latin in my days, that have I;
And have heard talk of the philosopher's stone.
Although I wear not velvet like his worship,
My heart's embroidered with love, and I
Defy the man that thinks me insufficient
To do what's fitting to be done between
You and I, madam, as the best what-lack-you
Finical-fartical-cit within the walls.

Ful. Take heed how you provoke me.

Mas. I'll provoke

Any man living in the way of love.

Re-enter PHANTASM.

Mam. Did all the ladies sleep well?

Phan. Yes, and their monkeys, madam, and have all

Their several thanks, and services remember'd

To your ladyship-but, madam

[Exeunt Mam. and Phan.

Ful. She has left us. I'll find a time to make Mas. Me sensible?

you

sensible

I defy thee.

2

upon cuckold's hill, &c.] These are but scurvy designations of the "fonte caballino" and the bicipiti Parnasso: this is a vein of humour in which Shirley greatly delights, and in which, to do him justice, he is always lively and satirical.