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of my old friend, Sir Oliver, should be the person to attempt such a wrong, hurts me more nearly.

Joseph. Ay, there's the point. When ingratitude barbs the dart of injury, the wound has double danger in it.

Sir P. Ay-I that was, in a manner, left his guardian; in whose house he had been so often entertained; who never in my life denied him-my advice.

Joseph. O, 'tis not to be credited. There may be a man capable of such baseness, to be sure; but, for my part, till you can give me positive proofs, I cannot but doubt it. However, if it should be proved on him, he is no longer a brother of mine-I disclaim kindred with him; for the man who can break the laws of hospitality, and tempt the wife of his friend, deserves to be branded as the pest of society.

Sir P. What noble sentiments! What a difference there between us.

Joseph. Yet, I cannot suspect Lady Teazle's honour.

Sir P. I am sure I wish to think well of her, and to remove all ground of quarrel between us. She has lately reproached me more than once with having made no settlement on her: and, in our last quarrel, she almost hinted that she should not break her heart if I was dead. (Covers his face with his handkerchief, as if weeping-JOSEPH does the same.) Now, as we seem to differ in our ideas of expense, I have resolved she shall have her own way, and be her own mistress, in that respect for the future; and if I were to die, she will find I have not been inattentive to her interest while living. Here, my friend, are the drafts of two deeds, which I wish to have your opinion on. By one, she will enjoy eight hundred a year, independent, while I live; and by the other, the bulk of my fortune at my death.

Joseph. This conduct, Sir Peter, is indeed truly generous. (Aside.) I wish it may not corrupt my pupil.

Sir P. Yes, I am determined she shall have no cause to complain, though I would not have her acquainted with the latter instance of my affection yet awhile.

Joseph. (Aside.) Nor I, if I could help it. Sir P. And now, my dear friend, if you please we will talk over the situation of your affairs with Maria.

Joseph. (softly.) O, no, Sir Peter; another time, if you please.

Sir P. I am sensibly chagrined at the little progress you seem to make in her affections.

Joseph. I beg you will not mention it. (softly) What are my disappointments when your happiness is in debate. (aside) 'Sdeath, I shall be ruined every way.

Sir P. And though you are so averse to my acquainting Lady Teazle with your passion for

22

Maria, I'm sure she's not your enemy in the affair.

Joseph. Pray, Sir Peter, now oblige me. I am really too much affected by the subject we have been speaking of, to bestow a thought on my own concerns. The man who is entrusted with his friend's distresses can never

Well, sir?

Enter SERVANT.

tleman in the street, and says he knows you are
Serv. Your brother, sir, is speaking to a gen-
within.

I'm out for the day.
Joseph. 'Sdeath, blockhead, I'm not within:

me. You shall be at home.
Sir P. Stay-hold-a thought has struck
Joseph. Well, well, let him up.
(aside) He'll interrupt Sir Peter, however.
[Exit SERVANT.
entreat you.
Sir P. Now, my good friend, oblige me, Ι
Before Charles comes, let me
him on the point we have been talking, and his
conceal myself somewhere, then do you tax
answer may satisfy me at once.

join in so mean a trick? to trepan my brother
Joseph. O fie, Sir Peter, would you have me
too.

innocent; if so, you do him the greatest serSir P. Nay, you tell me you are sure he is vice by giving him an opportunity to clear himself, and you will set my heart at rest. Come, you shall not refuse me; here, behind this screen will be (runs up to screen: JOSEPH catches his arm as he arrives at it, and draws him back again) Hey! what the devil! there seems to be one listener there already, I'll swear I saw a petticoat!

enough. I'll tell you, Sir Peter, though I hold Joseph. Ha! ha! ha! Well, this is ridiculous character, yet, you know, it does not follow that a man of intrigue to be a most despicable one is to be an absolute Joseph either! Hark'ee plagues me; and having some character to lose, 'tis a little French milliner, a silly rogue that on your coming, sir, she ran behind the screen.

Sir P. Ah! you rogue! (chuckling) But, of my wife. egad, she has overheard all I have been saying

Joseph. O, 'twill never go any farther, you
of English.
may depend upon it-she cannot speak a word

Here's a closet will do as well.
Sir P. No! Then, faith, let her hear it out.
Joseph. Well, go in there.

Sir P. Sly rogue! sly rogue! (going into the

closet.)

Joseph. A narrow escape, indeed! and a in this manner. curious situation I'm in, to part man and wife

Lady T. (peeping) Couldn't I steal off?

Joseph. (running to screen) Keep close, my angel!

Sir P. (peeping) Joseph, tax him home. Jeseph. (running to closet.) Back, my dear friend.

Lady T. Couldn't you lock Sir Peter in ? Joseph. (running to screen) Be still, my life!

Sir P. (peeping) You're sure the little milliner won't blab? (closes door)

Joseph. (running to closet) In, in, my good Sir Peter. 'Fore gad, I wish I had a key to the door.

Enter CHARLES SURFACE.

Charles. Holla! brother, what has been the matter? Your fellow would not let me up at first. What! have you had a Jew or a wench with you?

Joseph. Neither, brother, I assure you. Charles. But what has made Sir Peter steal off? I thought he had been with you. Joseph. He was, brother; but hearing you were coming, he did not choose to stay.

Charles. What! was the old gentleman afraid I wanted to borrow money of him?

Joseph. No, sir; but I am sorry to find, Charles, you have lately given that worthy man grounds for great uneasiness.

Charles. Why then, Joseph, I believe I should be obliged to

Joseph. To what?

Charles. To borrow a little of your morality, that's all. But, brother, do you know now that you surprise me exceedingly, by naming me with Lady Teazle; for 'faith, I always understood that you were her favourate.

Joseph. O, for shame, Charles! This retort is foolish.

Charles. Nay, I swear I have seen you exchange such significant glances

Joseph. (endeavouring to silence him.) Nay, nay, sir, this is no jest.

Charles. Egad, I'm serious. Don't you remember one day when

Joseph. Nay, prithee, Charles-
Charles. I found you together-
Joseph. Zounds, sir! I insist-

Charles. And another time when your servant

Joseph. Brother, brother, a word with you. (aside) Gad I must stop him.

Charles. Informed me-I say, thatJoseph. Hush! Sir Peter has overheard all we have been saying. I knew you would clear yourself, or I should not have consented.

Charles. How, Sir Peter! Where is he? (running towards the screen.)

Joseph. Softly. (stops him and points to closet.) So,

Charles. Yes, they tell me I do that to a great many worthy men. But how pray ?

Joseph. To be plain with you, brother, he thinks you are endeavouring to gain Lady

Teazle's affections from him.

Charles. Who, I? O lud! not I, upon my word. Ha! ha ha! so the old fellow has found out that he has got a young wife, has he? or, what is worse, Lady Teazle has found out she has an old husband.

Joseph. This is no subject to jest on, brother. He who can laugh

Charles. True, true, as you were going to say-then, seriously, I never had the least idea of what you charge me with, upon my

honour.

Joseph. (aloud) Well, it will give Sir Peter great satisfaction to hear this.

Charles. To be sure, I once thought the lady seemed to have taken a fancy to me, but upon my soul, I never gave her the least encouragement-besides, you know my attachment to Maria.

Joseph. But sure, brother, even if Lady Teazle had betrayed the fondest partiality for you

Charles. Why, look'ee Joseph, I hope I shall never deliberately do a dishonourable action; but if a pretty woman was purposely to throw herself in my way-and that pretty woman married to a man old enough to be her father

Joseph. Well, and what then?

Charles. O, 'fore heaven, I'll have him.
Joseph. No, no.

PETER) I say, Sir Peter, come into court.
Charles. (opens door and pulls in SIR
What, my old guardian! What! turn in-
quisitor, and take evidence incog? fie, fie!

Sir P. Give me your hand, Charles; I believe I have suspected you wrongfully: but you mustn't be angry with Joseph, 'twas my plain.

Charles. Indeed!

Sir P. But I acquit you. I promise you I don't think near so ill of you as I did: what I have heard has given me great satisfaction.

Charles. Egad, then, 'twas lucky you didn't hear any more wasn't it, Joseph ? (aside) Sir P. Ay! you would have retorted on him.

Charles. Ay, ay, that was a joke.

Sir P. Yes, yes, I know his honour too well.

Charles. But you might as well have suspected him as me in this matter, for all that Mightn't thee Joseph ?

Sir P. Well, well, I believe you.

Joseph. (aside) Would they were both well out of the room.

Sir P. And in future perhaps we may not be such strangers.

Enter SERVANT.

Servant. (whispering to JOSEPH) Sir, Lady

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Sneerwell is below, and says she will come
up.

Joseph. (aside) Lady Sneerwell! Gad's life!
she must not come here. Gentlemen, I beg
pardon, I must wait on you down stairs;
here is a person come upon particular business.
Charles. Well, you can see him in another
room. Sir Peter and I have not met a long
time, and I have something to say to him.

Joseph. (aside) They must not be left to gether. I'll send this man away, and return directly. Sir Peter, not a word of the French milliner. (apart to SIR PETER.)

Sir P. II not for the world!

Joseph. Charles! (calls his brother, who is looking at the screen, forward, and points, as if to desire him to entertain SIR PETER-then exit.)

They struggle; CHARLES breaks away, and JOSEPH SURFACE enters just as CHARLES SURFACE throws down the screen and discovers LADY TEAZLE. Charles. Lady Teazle, by all that's wonder. ful!

Sir P. Lady Teazle, by all that's damnable! Charles. Sir Peter, this is one of the smartest French milliners I ever saw. Egad, you seem all to have been diverting yourselves here at hide and seek, and I don't see who is in or who is out of the secret. Shall I beg your ladyship to inform me? (pause) Not a word-brother, will you be pleased to explain this matter? (pause) What? is Morality dumb too? Sir Peter, though I found you in the dark, perhaps you are not so now? (pause) All mute! Well, though I can make nothing of the affair, I suppose you perfectly understand one another, so I'll leave you to yourselves. (imitating JOSEPH) Brother, I'm sorry to find you have given that worthy man cause for so much uneasiness. Sir Peter! there's nothing in the Charles. Pshaw! he is too moral by half world so noble as a man of sentiment! (chuckand so apprehensive of his good name, as heling, repeats SIR PETER'S gestures, when calls it, that suppose he would as soon let a priest into his house as a girl.

Sir P. Ah, Charles! if you associated more with your brother, one might indeed hope for your reformation. He is a man of sentiment. Well, there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of sentiment !

Sir P. No, no-come, come, you wrong him. No, no-Joseph is no rake, but he is no such saint either in that respect. (aside) I have a great mind to tell him-we should have a laugh at Joseph.

pointing with his thumb to the screen, then bursts in a fit of laughter, and exit they stand for some time in silence, without looking at each other.)

Joseph. Sir Peter notwithstanding I confess-that appearances are against me if you will afford me your patience I make no doubt Charles. Oh, hang him! He's a very-but I shall explain everything to your satisanchorite, a young hermit.

Sir P. Hark'ee you must not abuse him; he may chance to hear of it again, I promise

you.

Charles. Why, you won't tell him?

Sir P. No-but-this way. (aside) Egad
I'll tell him. Hark'ee, have you a mind to
have a good laugh at Joseph ?

Charles. I should like it of all things.
Sir P. Then, i'faith, we will-(aside) I'll be
quits with him for discovering me. (whisper.
ing) He had a girl with him when I called.
"Charles. What! Joseph ? you jest.

Sir P. Hush! a little French milliner; and
the best of the joke is-she's in the room now.
Charles. The devil she is!-(pointing to the
closet) Oh! fie! oh!

Sir P. No! no! Hush! I tell you! (chuckles and points to the screen by jerking his thumb over his shoulder.)

Charles. Behind the screen! 'Slife, let's unveil her!

Sir P. No, no-he's coming-you shan't, indeed!

Charles. O, egad, we'll have a peep at the
little milliner!

Sir P. (holding him) Not for the world-
Joseph will never forgive me.

Charles. I'll stand by you.
Sir P. Odds life, here he is.

faction.

Sir. P. (sternly) If you please, sir.

Joseph. The fact is, sir, that Lady Teazle, knowing my pretensions to your ward MariaI say, sir,-Lady Teazle, being apprehensive of the jealousy of your temper and knowing my friendship to the family She, sir, I say called here in order that I might explain these pretensions but on your coming being apprehensive as I said of your jealousy she withdrew and this, you may depend upon it, is the clear truth of the matter.

Sir P. A very clear account, upon my word; and I dare swear the Lady will vouch for every particle of it.

Lady T. (advancing) For not one word of it, Sir Peter!

Sir P. How! don't you think it worth while to agree in the lie?

Lady T. There is not one syllable of truth in what that gentleman has told you.

Sir P. I believe you, upon my soul, ma'am! Joseph. (aside) 'Sdeath, madame, will you betray me?

Lady T. Good Mr. Hypocrite, by your leave, I'll speak for myself.

Sir P. Ay, let her alone, sir; you'll find she'll make out a better story than you, without prompting.

Lady T. Hear me, Sir Peter! I came hither

on no matter relating to your ward, and even ignorant of this gentleman's pretensions to her. But I came seduced by his insiduous arguments, at least to listen to his pretended passion, if not to sacrifice your honour to his baseness. Sir P. Now, I believe, the truth is coming indeed!

Joseph. The woman's mad!

Lady T. No, sir, she has recovered her senses, and your own arts have furnished her with the means. Sir Peter, I do not expect you to credit me but the tenderness you expressed for me, when I am sure you could not think I was a witness to it, has penetrated so to my heart, that had I left the place without the shame of this discovery, my future life should

ACT

SCENE I.-The Library. Enter JOSEPH SURFACE and SERVANT. Joseph. Mr. Stanley! and why should you think I would see him? you must know he comes to ask something.

Serv. Sir, I should not have let him in, but that Mr. Rowley came to the door with him. Joseph. Pshaw! blockhead! to suppose that I should now be in a temper to receive visits from poor relations ! Well, why don't you show the fellow up?

Serv. I will, sir. Why, sir, it was not my fault that Sir Peter discovered my lady.

Joseph. Go, fool! (Exit SERVANT.) Sure fortune never played a man of my policy such a trick before. My character with Sir Peter, my hopes with Maria destroyed in a moment! I'm in a rare humour to listen to other people's distresses! I shan't be able to bestow even a benevolent sentiment on Stanley. So! here he comes, and Rowley with him. I must try to recover myself, and put a little charity into my face, however. [Exit. Enter SIR OLIVER SURFACE and ROWLEY. Sir O. What! does he avoid us! That was he, was it not?

Rowley. It was, sir. But I doubt you are come a little too abruptly. His nerves are so weak, that the sight of a poor relation may be too much for him. I should have gone first to break it to him.

Sir O. O, plague of his nerves! Yet this is he whom Sir Peter extols as a man of the most benevolent way of thinking.

Rowley. As to his way of thinking, I cannot pretend to decide; for, to do him justice, he appears to have as much speculative benevolence as any private gentleman in the kingdom, though he is seldom so sensual as to indulge himself in the exercise of it.

Sir O. Yet has a string of charitable sentiments at his fingers' ends.

have spoken the sincerity of my gratitude. As for that smooth-tongued hypocrite, who would have seduced the wife of his too credulous friend, while he affected honourable addresses to his ward-I behold him now in a light so truly despicable, that I shall never again respect myself for having listened to him. Exit LADY TEAZLE. Joseph. Notwithstanding all this, Sir Peter, heaven knows

Sir P. That you are a villian! and so I leave you to your conscience.

Joseph. You are too rash, Sir Peter; you shall hear me. The man who shuts out conviction by refusing to

Sir P. Oh! damn your sentiments!

V.

Rowley. Or rather, at his tongue's end, Sir for I believe there is no sentiment he Oliver; has such faith in as that "Charity begins at home."

Sir O. And his, I presume, is of that domestic sort which never stirs abroad at all.

Rowley. I doubt you'll find it so; but he's coming. I mustn't seem to interrupt you! and you know immediately as you leave him, I come in to announce your arrival in your real character.

Sir O. True; and afterwards you'll meet me at Sir Peter's.

Rowley. Without losing a moment. [Exit Sir O. I don't like the complaisance of his features.

Enter JOSEPH SURFACE. Joseph. Sir, I beg ten thousand pardons for keeping you a moment waiting; Mr. Stanley, I presume?

Sir O. At your service.

Joseph. (Shakes his hand warmly) Sir, I beg you will do me the honour to sit down. (offers chair) I entreat you, sir!

too civil by half! (they both sit.) Sir O. Dear sir, there's no occasion: (aside)

Joseph. I have not the pleasure of knowing you, Mr. Stanley; but I am extremely happy to see you look so well. You were nearly related to my mother, I think, Mr. Stanley ?

Sir O. I was, sir: so nearly that my present poverty, I fear, may do discredit to her wealthy children, else I should not have presumed to trouble you.

Joseph. Dear sir, there needs no apology: he that is in distress, though a stranger, has a right to claim kindred with the wealthy. I am sure I wish I was of that class, and had it in my power to offer you even a small relief.

Sir O. If your uncle, Sir Oliver, were here, I should have a friend.

Joseph. I wish he was, sir, with all my heart: you should not want an advocate with him, believe me, sir.

Sir O. I should not need one-my distresses would recommend me. But I imagined his bounty would enable you to become the agent of his charity.

Joseph. My dear sir, you were strangely misinformed. Sir Oliver is a worthy man, a worthy sort of a man; but avarice, Mr. Stanley, is the vice of the age. I will tell you, my good sir, in confidence, what he has done for me has been a mere nothing; though people, I know, have thought otherwise, and, for my part, I never chose to contradict the report.

Sir O. What! has he never transmitted you bullion-rupees-pagodas ?

Joseph. O, dear sir, nothing of the kind. No, no; a few presents now and then: china, shawls, congou tea, avadavits, and Indian crackers; little more, believe me.

Sir O. (aside) Here's gratitude for twelve thousand pounds! Avadavits, and Indian crackers!

Joseph. Then, my dear sir, you have heard, I doubt not of the extravagance of my brother: there are very few would credit what I have done for that unfortunate young man. Sir O. (aside) Not I, for one! Joseph. The sums I have lent him! Indeed I have been exceedingly to blame! it was an amiable weakness; however, I don't pretend to defend it; and now I feel it doubly culpable, since it has deprived me of the pleasure of serving you, Mr. Stanley, as my heart dictates. Sir O. (aside) Dissembler! Then, sir, yon

can't assist me?

Joseph. At present, it grieves me to say, I cannot; but whenever I have the ability, you may depend upon hearing from me. (rings bell.)

Sir O. I am extremely sorry-

Joseph. Not more than I, believe me; to pity without the power to relieve, is still more painful than to ask and be denied.

Sir O. Kind sir, your most obedient humble

servant.

Joseph. You leave me deeply affected, Mr. Stanley.

Enter SERVANT, who puts the chair back.
Joseph. William, be ready to open the door.
Sir O. O, dear sir, no ceremony.
Joseph. Your very obedient.

Sir O. Sir, your most obsequious. Joseph. You may depend upon hearing from me, whenever I can be of service.

Sir O. Sweet sir, you are too good! Joseph. In the mean time I wish you health and spirits. (shakes his hand.)

Sir O. Your ever grateful and perpetual humble servant.

Joseph. Sir, yours as sincerely.

Sir O. (aside) Charles, you are my heir! Exeunt with SERVANT. Joseph. This is one bad effect of a good

The

character; it invites application from the unfortunate, and there needs no small degree of address to gain the reputation of benevo lence without incurring the expense. silver ore of pure charity is an expensive article in the catalogue of a man's good qualities; whereas the sentimental French plate I use instead of it makes just as good a show, and pays no tax.

Enter ROWLEY, with a letter.

Rowley. Mr. Surface, your servant: I was apprehensive of interrupting you, though my business demands immediate attention, as this note will inform you.

Joseph. Always happy to see Mr. Rowley! (aside) A rascal! (reads the letter) Sir Oliver Surface! My uncle arrived!

Rowley. He is indeed; we have just parted -quite well, after a speedy voyage, and impatient to embrace his worthy nephew.

Joseph. I am astonished! (calls) William! stop Mr. Stanley, if he's not gone.

Rowley. Oh! he's out of reach, I believe. Joseph. Why did you not let me know this when you came in together?

Rowley. I thought you had particular busi ness: but I must be gone to inform your brother, and appoint him here to meet your uncle. He will be with you in a quarter of an hour.

overjoyed at his coming. (aside) Never to be Joseph. So he says. Well, I am strangely sure, was any thing so damned unlucky. Rowley. You will be delighted to see how well he looks.

Joseph. Ah! I'm rejoiced to hear it. (aside) Just at this time!

Rowley. I'll tell him how impatiently you expect him.

Joseph. Do do; pray give me my best duty and affection. Indeed, I cannot express the sensations I feel at the thought of seeing him. (Exit RoWLEY) Certainly his coming just at this time is the cruellest piece of ill-fortune!

SCENE II.-Sir Peter Teazle's House.

Enter MRS. CANDOUR and MAID.) Maid. Indeed, ma'am, my lady will see nobody at present.

Mrs. C. Did you tell her it was her friend Mrs. Candour ?

Maid. Yes, ma'am; but she begs you will excuse her.

Mrs. C. Do go again-I shall be glad to see her, if it be only for a moment, for I am sure she must be in great distress. (Exit MAID. Dear heart, how provoking! We shall have the whole affair in the newspaper with the names of the parties at length, before I have dropped the story at a dozen houses.

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