THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL.

ACT I.

SCENE I.-Lady Sneerwell's House, Large Arch, c.

Door, L. LADY SNEERWELL discovered at table, L. SNAKE, to whom a servant brings chocolate, R. [Exit servant.]

Lady S. THE paragraphs, Mr. Snake, were all inserted? Snake. They were, madam; and as I copied them myself in a feigned hand, there can be no suspicion whence they came. Lady S. (L.) Did you circulate the report of Lady Brittle's intrigue with Captain Boastall?

Snake. (R.) That's in as fine a train as your ladyship could wish. In the common course of things, I think it must reach Mrs. Clackitt's ears within four and twenty hours; and then, you know, the business is as good as done.

Lady S. Why, truly, Mrs. Clackitt has a very pretty talent, and a great deal of industry.

Snake. True, madam, and has been tolerably successful in her day. To my knowledge she has been the cause of six matches being broken off, and three sons being disinherited; of four forced elopements, as many close confinements, nine separate maintenances, and two divorces. Nay, I have more than once traced her causing a tête-à-tête in the Town and Country Magazine, when the parties, perhaps, had never seen each other's face before in the course of their lives.

Lady S. She certainly has talents, but her manner is gross. Snake. 'Tis very true.-She generally designs well, has a free tongue and a bold invention; but her colouring is too dark, and her outlines often extravagant. She wants that delicacy of tint and mellowness of sneer, which distinguish your ladyship's scandal.

Lady S. Ah! You are partial, Snake.

Snake. Not in the least-every body allows that Lady Sneerwell can do more with a word or a look than many can with the

Lady Sneerwell is at dressing-table finishing putting patches on her face.

Snake finishes. drinking chocolate, puts cup on table and lolls in chair.

Snake rises and bows formally.

most laboured detail, even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support it.

Lady S. Yes, my dear Snake; and I am no hypocrite to deny the satisfaction I reap from the success of my efforts. [They rise.] Wounded myself in the early part of my life by the envenomed tongue of slander, I confess I have since known no pleasure equal to the reducing others to the level of my own reputation.

Snake. Nothing can be more natural. [Cross L.] But, Lady Sneerwell, there is one affair in which you have lately employed me, wherein, I confess, I am at a loss to guess your motives.

Lady S. I conceive you mean with respect to my neighbour, Sir Peter Teazle, and his family?

Snake. I do. Here are two young men, to whom Sir Peter has acted as a kind of guardian since their father's death; the eldest possessing the most amiable character, and universally well spoken of the youngest, the most dissipated and extravagant young fellow in the kingdom, without friends or character: the former an avowed admirer of your ladyship's, and apparently your favourite; the latter attached to Maria, Sir Peter's ward, and confessedly beloved by her. Now, on the face of these cir.cumstances, it is utterly unaccountable to me, why you, the widow of a city knight, with a good jointure, should not close with the passion of a man of such character and expectations as Mr. Surface; and more so, why you should be so uncommonly earnest to destroy the mutual attachment subsisting between his brother Charles and Maria.

Lady S. Then at once to unravel this mystery, I must inform you, that love has no share whatever in the intercourse between Mr Surface and me.

Snake. No?

Lady S. His real attachment is to Maria, or her fortune; but finding in his brother a favoured rival, he has been obliged to mask his pretensions, and profit by my assistance.

Snake. Yet I am still more puzzled why you should interest yourself in his success.

Lady S. Heavens! how dull you are! Cannot you surmise the weakness which I hitherto, through shame, have concealed even from you? Must I confess, that Charles, that libertine, that extravagant, that bankrupt in fortune and reputation, that he it is for whom I'm thus anxious and malicious, and to gain whom I would sacrifice every thing?

Snake. Now, indeed, your conduct seems consistent; but how came you and Mr. Surface so confidential ?

Lady S. For our mutual interest.

I have found him out a long time since. I know him to be artful, selfish, and malicious

-in short, a sentimental knave; while, with Sir Peter, and indeed with all his acquaintance, he passes for a youthful miracle of prudence, good sense, and benevolence.

Lady S. sits at

Snake. Yes: yet Sir Peter vows he has not his equal in Eng- dressing-table. land—and above all, he praises him as a man of sentiment.

Lady S. True—and with the assistance of his sentiment and hypocrisy, he has brought him entirely into his interest with regard to Maria; while poor Charles has no friend in the house, though, I fear, he has a powerful one in Maria's heart, against whom we must direct our schemes.

Enter SERVANT, c. from R.

Serv. Mr. Surface.

Lady S. [Crosses c.] Show him up. [Exit Servant, c.] He generally calls about this time. I don't wonder at people giving him to me for a lover.

Enter JOSEPH SURFACE, C.

Joseph S. (c.) My dear Lady Sneerwell, how do you do to-day? Mr. Snake, your most obedient.

Lady S. (R.) Snake has just been rallying me on our mutual attachment; but I have informed him of our real views. You know how useful he has been to us, and believe me, the confidence is not ill-placed.

Joseph S. Madam, it is impossible for me to suspect a man of Mr. Snake's sensibility and discernment.

Lady S. Well, well, no compliments now; but tell me when you saw your mistress, Maria-or, what is more material to me, your brother.

Joseph S. I have not seen either since I left you; but I can inform you that they never meet. Some of your stories have taken a good effect on Maria.

Lady S. Ah! my dear Snake! the merit of this belongs to you; but do your brother's distresses increase?

Joseph S. Every hour. I am told he has had another execution in the house yesterday. In short, his dissipation and extravagance exceed everything I ever heard of.

Lady S. Poor Charles!

Joseph S. True, madam; notwithstanding his vices, one cannot help feeling for him Poor Charles! I'm sure I wish it

were in my power to be of any essential service to him; for the man who does not feel for the distresses of a friend, even though merited by his own misconduct, deserves

Lady S. O Lud! you are going to be moral, and forget that you are among friends.

Joseph S. Egad, that's true! I'll keep that sentiment till I

Servant precedes Joseph, who hands him hat and cane. Servant exits. Joseph bows formally to Lady Sneerwell. Turning sees Snake up-stage. Snake comes down. Snake

bows first to Lady S., then to Joseph as each compliments him.

Joseph sits at table L.

Joseph rises.

Joseph sits down.

see Sir Peter. However, it is certainly a charity to rescue Maria from such a libertine, who, if he is to be reclaimed, can only be so by one of your ladyship's superior accomplishments and understanding [Knock.]

Snake. I believe, Lady Sneerwell, here's company coming. I'll go and copy the letter I mentioned to you. Mr. Surface, your most obedient.

Joseph S. [Turning to Snake.] Sir, your very devoted. [Exit Snake, L.] Lady Sneerwell, I am very sorry you have put any further confidence in that fellow.

Lady S. Why so?

Joseph S. (L.) I have lately detected him in frequent conference with old Rowley, who was formerly my father's steward, and has never, you know, been a friend of mine.

Lady S. And do you think he would betray us?

Joseph S. Nothing more likely. Take my word for it. He has not honesty enough to be faithful even to his own villainy. -Ah! Maria!

Enter MARIA C. R., preceded by servant.

Lady S. (c.) Maria, my dear, how do you do?the matter?

-What's

Maria. (L.) Oh! there is that disagreeable lover of mine, Sir Benjamin Backbite, has just called at my guardian's with his odious uncle, Crabtree; so I slipped out, and ran hither to avoid them.

Lady S. Is that all?

Joseph S. (R.) If my brother Charles had been of the party, madam, perhaps you would not have been so much alarmed. Lady S. Nay, now you are severe; for I dare swear the truth of the matter is, Maria heard you were here.-But, my dear, what has Sir Benjamin done, that you should avoid him so?

Maria. Oh, he has done nothing-but 'tis for what he has said; his conversation is a perpetual libel on all his acquaintance.

Joseph S Ay, and the worst of it is, there is no advantage in not knowing him-for he'll abuse a stranger just as soon as his best friend; and his uncle Crabtree's as bad.

Lady S. Nay, but we should make allowance.—Sir Benjamia is a wit and a poet.

Maria. For my part, I own, madam, wit loses its respect with me, when I see it in company with malice.-What do you think, Mr. Surface? [Crosses to him.]

Joseph S. Certainly, madam; to smile at the jest which plants a thorn in another's breast, is to become a principal in the mischief.

Lady S. (L.) Pshaw!-there's no possibility of being witty without a little ill nature: the malice of a good thing is the barb that makes it stick.-What's your opinion, Mr. Surface ? Joseph S. (R.) To be sure, madam; that conversation, where the spirit of raillery is suppressed, will ever appear tedious and insipid.'

Maria. (c.) Well, I'll not debate how far scandal may be allowable; but in a man, I am sure, it is always contemptible. We have pride, envy, rivalship, and a thousand little motives to depreciate each other; but the male slanderer must have the cowardice of a woman before he can traduce one.

Enter SERVANT, c. r.

Serv. Mrs. Candour. [Exit Servant, c.]

[sits R.]

Lady S. Now Maria, here is a character to your taste; for though Mrs. Candour is a little talkative, everybody allows her to be the best natured and best sort of woman.

Maria. Yes, with a very gross affectation of good nature and benevolence, she does more mischief than the direct malice of old Crabtree.

Joseph S. I'faith that's true, Lady Sneerwell whenever I hear the current running against the characters of my friends, I never think them in such danger as when Candour undertakes their defence.

Lady S. Hush!-here she is!

Servant shows in MRS. CANDOUr, c. r.

Mrs. Can. My dear Lady Sneerwell, how have you been this century? -Mr. Surface, what news do you hear?-though indeed it is no matter, for I think one hears nothing else but scandal.

Joseph S. (R.) Just so, indeed, ma'am.

Mrs. C. [Crosses to Maria.] Oh, Maria! child,-what! is the whole affair off between you and Charles ?-His extravagance, I presume-the town talks of nothing else.

Maria. (R.) I am very sorry, ma'am, the town has so little to do.

Mrs. C. (R. C.) True, true, child: but there's no stopping people's tongues. I own I was hurt to hear it, as I indeed was

Maria rises.

Lady S. and Joseph exchange glances. Joseph crosses to L. Lady S. comes to C.

Lady S. meets Mrs. Candour as the latter enters.